


Music, Love, and Other Healing Drugs

by summersummer (orphan_account)



Category: Glee
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe, Klaine, M/M, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-10
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-09 13:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/455927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/summersummer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General trigger warning:</p><p>Kurt is institutionalized after a suicide attempt, that followed years of depression and anxiety. Blaine, is a member of a show choir, who performs for people in hospitals and care homes. They two boys meet at Green Meadows Psychiatric Hospital- and together discover the powers of music, love, and other healing drugs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kurt

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: I know that this is a very sensitive topic and I really do no want to offend anyone, so if you do not think that I approached something right, please let me know and I will try and change it.
> 
> This was written for a request over at the Glee_Angst_Meme and the prompt was too amazing to resist.
> 
> Warning: This story deals with mental illness, suicide attempts, and cutting. Nothing is too graphic, but there are many heavy, overlying themes.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or the other songs, movies, and books referenced.
> 
> FINAL NOTE: I know this work is imperfect. It's un-beta'd. I made a creative choice about referring to the characters by their hair color in the beginning and I know it threw a lot of people off- but this story is complete in my book, and will remain as-is on here.

Green Meadows Psychiatric Hospital was a secret in the community that surrounded it. People saw the towering, moss- covered stonewalls running for miles and the birds flying back and forth over the wall as they pleased, but what existed beyond the walls was a mystery to most. People who lived in the town guessed that it was a school, a hospital for people with chronic illnesses, an elderly care home, an orphanage, or even an old abandoned mansion- their guesses held some truth- but none were exactly right. Lawyers, health professions, and a few citizens knew the truth, but never said a thing about the facility. For the patients inside, the mystery was good. It gave them privacy. They deserved privacy, at least from the town, as they no longer had it from their doctors, families, or friends.

Behind the walls, rested a sprawling brick building. Inside the East Wing sat a sixteen-year-old boy with a china- doll complexion and chestnut brown hair. He had frown lines on his face, dark circles under his eyes, and he emitted an aura that only a person who considered death an old friend could have. The boy sat on a twin bed that had clean, crisp white sheets put Mondays and Thursdays, or when a patient got them dirty. The sheets were covered with a standard thick, tan blanket and navy blue comforter. There were no buttons and no frills, all for the safety of the patient.

The boy stared at the carpet and pushed his toes further into the carpet with thick, firm foam beneath it. The foam was another safety precaution for patients so they would be less likely to harm themselves if they slammed against the floor.

The boy looked down past the white bandages that were wrapped around his wrists with some burgundy blood coloring noticeable a gauze layer or two deep, likely from a stitch or two that had snapped.

"It's time for your morning pills," a woman in blue nurses scrubs and white Velcro nurse shoes said as she pushed a cart full of medicine and tiny paper cups into the room.

The boy looked up, but he didn't comment on her outfit, as he did four months ago. He didn't resist the pills, as he did three months ago. He even considered the woman pushing the cart into his room a familiar sight.

"I know." He responded.

The nurse handed the boy a paper cup filled with three pills.

"Same as yesterday, Nurse Marie?" He asked.

She nodded. "The same as the past two weeks."

"I know. But after I had an allergic reaction to Paxil, I'm terrified of any medicine they give me. I'm terrified and I wonder why they don't give me an anxiety pill to take my other pills."

"I imagine that is hard for you and I know that it's not my place to talk, but I think that you have improved greatly since the doctors took you off Celexa."

"When I did nothing but cry all day?"

"Yes."

"I don't want to leave Green Meadows." The boy bowed his head and stared at the blue carpet with great intensity.

"You can't hide out here forever, Kurt."

"I can." the boy persisted. "Burt and I can agree on one thing: we're happier with me here."

"I thought Mediation Therapy was working."

"It is… I mean, I know now that he meant for the best when he sent me here. But Carol and Finn still think that I'm crazy. Their opinions are difficult for him to deal with and sometimes they come out of his mouth. I know that I did things to provoke their opinions, but they did things, too…" the boy called Kurt trailed off. "But don't tell the doctors I put the blame on someone else."

"Tricking me into finding a reason to keep you here longer will do you no good, Mr. Hummel." Nurse Marie glared at the boy, but only playfully. "I cannot keep you here longer because you're not accepting what you did. Not anymore."

"I wish I wasn't anywhere." The boy's voice was low and he spoke with seriousness that the nurse found terrifying.

"Don't joke about that." the woman glared, her eyes stern and her voice stoic from thirty years of working as a psychiatric nurse.

The boy didn't respond. He wanted to. But in all seriousness, he didn't want to be pushed back to a Level Two or a Level Three. He liked his Level One privileges. He enjoyed reading Vogue; he enjoyed listening toGypsy and Katy Perry CD's for an allotted hour and a half a day.

He didn't want to be at Green Meadows, but he really didn't want to be at school or his father's house. He was not accepted there, nor was he was not welcome there. It was not his house. It had not been since his mother died.

"I have to continue my rounds, but I'll see you tomorrow morning. Nurse Jamie will give you your evening meds at 8."

Kurt nodded and opened his mouth and dumped the three pills from the cup into his mouth. The nurse handed him another paper cup, this one filled with water, and threw his head back in an almost-practiced gesture that Nurse Marie could tell was still uncomfortable for the boy.

Kurt handed the paper cup back to Nurse, who tossed it in the garbage bag on the front of the cart.

"Open your mouth." The nurse ordered.

The boy glared at the brown-turning-silver haired women.

"You know just as well as I that you have been known to push your pills to the sides of our mouth or under your tongue and spit them out later. So, please, open your mouth."

Kurt sighed and opened his mouth.

"Tongue up." The nurse ordered and Kurt complied. "Thank you."

"I don't get it. I am a Level One. I'm well enough for them to release me, as they have deemed me no longer a threat to myself or others; I'm well enough to joke about the situation; we have my med doses worked out; and I am no longer literally dying of side- effects, which would have been fine by me for that to happen; yet, I'm not to take my pills."

"You know I'm not allowed to comment." Nurse Marie changed the subject. "Independent study starts in fifteen minutes."

The boy responded with a glare and a wrinkled nose. Before he arrived at the hospital, he never scrunched up his face, in fear of wrinkles, but he changed, he lost some of his previous self.

The nurse walked out with the cart and the boy sat on his bed thinking about what he looked like- something that he had not done in a long time.

He knew that his hair was darker then it was sixth months ago; he did not go outside even though he had been allowed to since he was a Level Three and his hair had not seen a salon or highlights in at least four months. He thought that it was a gross, flat color, but he had become almost- accustomed to it. He could feel face was rounder, because of the weight gain side effect from the medicines that he had been on. He wore no beauty product, as they were strictly forbidden, but he wished that he could. Then, he might have felt remotely beautiful

The boy looked down- this time at his wrists. He wondered why he couldn't have just died. He wondered why he freaked out after he cut deeper than he had done ever before. He blamed the alcohol and the pills. He blamed his step- brother Finn for coming home early from Glee practice.

In a matter of hours, he'd gone from marked- for- death to survivor. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.

He might have had more concise thoughts, but the drugs were still clouding his thoughts. The drugs were stupid and not worth the side effects, but sometimes he thought they helped.

Sometimes he remembered how much he liked Vogue and how much he liked music when someone made him listen to his old favorites. Sometimes he wished that he could see non-industrial standard clothes again. Not enough to leave Green Meadows, but still some. There were too many fashion regulations - too many potential hazards, weapons, tools, whatever word one chose to describe scarves, chains, belts, buttons, or anything he once considered high- fashion.

Sighing, Kurt made his way out of the sleeping quarters. He walked down a hall past 10 doors just like his, with older Level One boys sleeping in them at night and sometimes passing time in them during the day. He only walked passed two nurses on 24- hour watch as he made his way down the hall.

At the end of the hall, he turned left and stopped at a door on his right. He entered the room to hear a blur of voices. He knew that something notable was happening, because he knew that excited people in reacted the same way.

"What's going on?" The boy asked a tall, blonde girl, whose enormous blue eyes were wandering the room, distracted by anything and everything.

"A glee club is coming to perform for us. I guess that they sing for charity cases like us." Lily explained as she rolled her eyes.

Instantly, her tone changed. "I hope they're not old." She wrinkled her nose. "And I hope they're boys!"

"That's just because you seen anyone not on your 'Allowed To See' list in months." the boy remarked dryly.

"True." The girl responded in time for the boy to become momentarily excited then melancholy again when memories flooded his mind.

He bit his lip.

He squished his eyes closed as hard as he could so that he wouldn't even try to cry.

He didn't think that he could cry anymore.

Still, he glimmered. Just a little. His face was still worn, but there was no denying that something was there.

"Students!" A forty- something with frizzy red hair and green eyes clapped her hands together. "Line up single file and I'll give you your file for the day."

The woman said, as the boy went to retrieve his file with assignments emailed from his teachers back in Lima, Ohio, where he went to high school, for him to complete. With thoughts of schoolwork, any and all thoughts of the visiting Glee club were forgotten. Not entirely, but the boy had convinced himself that measurable assignments were better than music.

After all, music required passion and passion was something that required heart, which he could not allow himself to have. He couldn't love, because the world only knew how to break his heart. There was not enough love in the world for him. After all, the boy was one of those people. The kind that had to lose, so everyone else could win.


	2. Blaine

A bleary- eyed boy with curly, black hair looked around. Twenty boys in blue monogrammed jackets; crisp white shirts; tailored pants; and polished dress shoes wandered around the front of their school waiting for their bus to pull into the drop off zone.

The grounds were laced with a layer of fresh powdered snow and brisk wins leaked through their jackets, as the boy with curly hair wished that he had brought a winter coat to put on over his uniform one. He had overslept his alarm and forgot his coat in his rush to school.

He wondered if he looked anxious. He couldn't look anxious. He had to keep his cool- he had to make sure that everyone knew he was the calm, collected male soloist of his Glee club, The Dalton Academy Warblers.

The bus pulled up and released pressure as it lowered to the ground. The door opened with a gasp.

"Single file in everyone!" Wes, one of the Warbler's co-captains shouted with an authoritative voice that said he was comfortable with public speaking.

The curly haired boy with too much product took his place in line- behind Wes and David, the Warbler's co- captains, and in front of Taylor and John, the freshman recruits.

"File in right to left, front to back!" Wes ordered.

The boy tried to keep his eyes on the co-captain, but they inevitably glanced left at the bus. It was candy apple red with the school's name written in white cursive across the side. The interior seats were black leather and equipped with seatbelts. The Dalton Academy had only the best.

The boy took the front seat behind the driver, across from where Wes and David would sit after they finished taking a headcount of all of the boys getting on the bus.

Their teachers and chaperones, Dr. Bobby and Dr. Daniels were sitting in the seat behind Wes and David doing their own headcounts, but allowing the co- captains to take charge and practice their leadership skills, something Dalton Academy prided it's students in having.

Wes and David introduced the bus driver, who went over the rules, and told the group to be awake for when they called a Warbler meeting with the details when they were close to their destination.

The boy opened his messenger bag and pulled out a notebook. It was old and tearing apart at the binding. The cover had doodles and lyrics written in sharpie and stickers of everything from Katy Perry to Ohio State Football.

  
The boy opened the notebook up to a page near the end and pulled a pen out from behind his ear. He had a half-finished set of lyrics from the night before, which he had fallen asleep working on, that he wanted to finish.

  
"Are you studying the sheet music, Blaine?"

The curly haired boy looked up and tried jump at a scrawny, freckled, red- head looking at him expectantly. "What? No, I'm working on some lyrics."

  
"You're not studying your music?" The boy signaled to a standard black binder filled with all of the sheet music that the Warbler's used on a regular basis.

"No, I studied last night." The curly haired boy named Blaine said.

"I don't understand- how you remember all of the lyrics and notes and steps all of the time- it's so much information." The freshman looked up at Blaine for advice.

"Theatre kid trick?" Blaine asked rhetorically, but the freshman replied anyway.

The freshman practically shook in his pants at the frequent- soloist, third- in- command of his show choir talking to him. "A-anything."

"Try doing something physical while studying. I like to go to the treadmill at the gym or do sit-ups. I know some kids who can only learn their lines while in a moving vehicle. The older boy offered.

"Thanks."

"No problem." Blaine looked back down at his notebook, as the freshman looked back down at his Warbler's sheet music binder.

"Hey, can we get everyone's attention please?" Wes called to the group of kids, turning around in his seat and sitting up on his knees. It was not proper, but it was convenient- something odd for a boy- man usually so formal.

All of the Warbler's eyes were on Wes.

"So we're about 20 minutes from Green Meadow's Psychiatric Hospital and I want to remind you of proper etiquette for the location. I know that you will all be on your best behavior, but please remember that the Warblers represent the Dalton Academy when we perform. Especially to people in need of cheer." Wes said.

"Yes," David agreed.

"Remember that we are going to a psychiatric hospital- it is different than a regular hospital. I ask that you be respectful to the patients, the staff, and each other, as always. We will be performing for Level Ones and Level Twos in the 13- 21-year-old age group, which Green Meadows told me, are people who are relatively stable and most of them are near to being released. Our 'sit out' policy remains the same- if the situation or location becomes too intense for you to handle, please let Dr. Bob or Dr. Daniels know and one of them will come out to the bus with you to wait out the visit."

David signaled to a teacher with silver hair and balding scalp and an intelligent demeanor and a caramel colored haired man with silver rimmed glasses and bright eyes. "Now, if you'll turn your attention back to Wes, he'll be going over the set list."

Blaine turned his attention to Wes, who opened his Warbler's binder and began to go over what order the group had to have their songs in and what order they were going to sing their songs.

"Now, we're nearing Green Meadows and we'll be arriving shortly." Wes said, as many of the Warbler's turned to their friends sitting next to them and began to talk about football or hockey or fashion designers or pop culture- all was open and accepted topic for the Dalton Academy boys.

The bus pulled up to a security gate and the driver opened his window and began to talk. He was handed a sticker, which he put in the front window and drove down a long, winding road. Blaine looked out his window- the bus drove through thick trees and long, green grass that had been cut fairly recently. Finally, the forestry thinned out and the bus slowed down as they drove through a meadow with brightly colored flowers. Blaine even spotted a couple of rabbits. It looked like spring inside the walls more than it did at Dalton.

Finally, the curly haired boy spotted a modern building, but looked more like multiple buildings. The main building was the tallest at four or five stories. All of the other buildings were attached to the main building and sprawled out like rays to a sun. The first building only has a set of windows at the very top, but with each of the next four buildings, the windows got lower and there were more windows.

The bus winded around the road circling the building and finally stopped. The curly haired boy realized that they must have been entering through the main entrance. The bus slowed to a stop and released pressure as it sunk closer to the ground. The doors gasped open and Wes stepped off the bus first. Tyler exited and Blaine followed the freshman out.

Blaine took in the smell of fresh, but moist, and naturally dirty air overpowered by the scent of drying laundry and too many chemicals. His senses were torn over the natural and unnatural, as his eyes tried to look everywhere at once. He noticed that a lot of the other boys were overwhelmed, as well.

Soon, they were all lined up. Wes led the group to the front entrance and a man with brown hair, a beard, and a bleach- white doctor's coat stepped out. "Welcome to Green Meadows." He said.

"Thank you for having us, Dr. Blue," Wes replied and then turned back to the Warblers. "Dalton Academy Warbler's, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Blue, he is in charge of patient activities and artistic therapy here. I think that I will turn it over to you, Doctor."

"First of all, thank you for coming. The staff and patients always appreciate these kinds of things. When you walk in, you will have to sign your name, the date, your entrance time, and group that you are in on our guest sheet. Then, you will have to go through a metal detector.

Once through the metal detectors, Dr. Blue swiped his ID card on a door and pushed it open. He lead the Warbler's up a flight of stairs and swiped his card again before pushing another door open. "This is the art and theatre room," Mr. Blue said holding the door open.

The boy followed the co-captains and the doctor into the room and took in the room. The first thing that the boy noticed was how squishy the floor was. It was odd, he thought. It felt like foam under a tumbling floor at a gymnastics place, minus the springs, he thought. He was amazed that he did not sink into it and that it was not hard to walk on.

The floor was covered with a soft blue carpet. One end of the room had a white board with tons of colored white board markers. There was a stage of sorts with a giant white wall behind it. Turning to his other side, he could see a projector hanging from the ceiling with tons of foam chairs in different colors around round plastic tables below it.

"The stage is over there. I just ask for you to notify me if you're using any props, as we have to make sure that they are safe for the patients to be around. We filled up some paper cups filled with water over there for you to drink. The teens should be here in a few minutes- they're just finishing up their academic work for the day. If you have any questions, I'll be around."

"Everyone line up in your rows, then sit down." Wes instructed. Blaine took his spot at the front row in the center, just as the door on the other side of the room opened.

In walked a frail chestnut haired boy. His strides were long and graceful, yet somehow sullen. Even from across the room, Blaine could see the other boy's blue eyes and the dark circles under them. Even with frown lines on the chestnut haired boy's face, Blaine found the other boy mesmerizing.

Blaine thought about sinking into his cross- legged position even more, but then he remembered that he attended the Dalton Academy, where he was not persecuted for being gay. But just because Blaine was gay did not mean that the other boy was, too. After all, the brown haired boy was talking to a blonde bombshell.

Blaine frowned.

"Stand up, everyone." Wes instructed. "We're about to start."

"Are you ready?" Dr. Blue asked the a cappella as the room filled with 40 or 50 patients.

The curly, black haired boy focused on keeping his performance butterflies out and the music that he was about to sing, temporarily forgetting the chestnut haired boy who walked into the room.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for the Dalton Academy Warblers!"


	3. Visitors

Kurt entered the room with Lily at his side.

"I'm just saying, Rachelle and Phineas on _Showchoir!_ are adorable together." she squealed in delight. "Don't deny it."

"They're idiots for giving up their futures for each other… I prefer the Ken and Blake storyline."

"Isn't it hard for you to watch?" the blonde asked, knowing Kurt had experienced emotional and physical abuse from his peers like Ken in Showchoir!

"Sometimes. I'm more excited because Hollywood has finally written an out and proud character for teens to look up to. Not to mention Chad Connor seems pretty amazing." Kurt referred to the actor who played Ken.

"And hot." Lily added dreamily.

"That too." The boy smiled softly, an unusual expression for him.

"Where do you want to sit?"

The friends entered through a set of large doors at the top of the room, where they could see forty or fifty foam chair dispersed around the room with low tables in between them.

At the bottom of the room, there was low stage, with a group of twenty or so boys in identical, monogrammed jackets; clean collared shirts; tailored pants; and polished black shoes sitting on the edge

Kurt thought that they looked stylish and felt the urge to compliment them- something that he had not done since he arrived at Green Meadows.

"You can pick." The boy shrugged, since he no longer had to look around the room to find the safest seat to sit in. Now he only had to look around for people he recognized or place where he would have the best view of the stage, since he no longer had to check for large jocks in bright red letterman jackets, who hurt others to alleviate their own pain.

"How about over there," Lily pointed to a chair to the middle of the room on the side. "You can sit in the chair and I can sit at your feet, so you can play with my hair?"

Kurt agreed, as he remembered how he used to help his glee club mates and cheer squad mates with their hair before shows. He remembered playing with a cheerleader and glee-mate Brittany's hair when they had extra time. Brittany spoke a lot of nonsense, but she had a heart of gold and danced on a level of her own.

Kurt bit his tongue and tried to focus on the conversation that he was having- he didn't want to think about what the people back at school thought of him now or how things ended between them.

Kurt sat down in the chair. The blonde crossed her legs and sat down and leaned against his legs. He lifted up his friend's hair as she handed him a couple of ponytail holders. He set them on his leg and ran his fingers through Lily's hair. As he did, all of his worries went away. It was a benign ritual unlike the cosmetic rituals he used to do every night that were a form of OCD. This was simply relaxing.

"I used to pull it out, you know. You can see that it's messed up at the roots. I'm the only girl I know whose used hair growth formulas." The girl chuckled dryly. "I frequently have bald spots and no eyebrows. It started after my anxiety spiked, not long I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My mom started yelling. God, there was so much yelling. She gave me hair growth products because she didn't want her debutant ugly."

"You're not ugly." The boy told his friend truthfully, but the words were awkward in his mouth. Few words that weren't cynical sounded natural in his mouth anymore.

"All of the boys thought that I was a slut- and I was- but it was because I didn't know what else to do. They all told me that I was sexy, but I just wanted to be told that I was beautiful." The girl looked around the room, nervous to see the reaction on the boy's face. "Was that too much to ask for?"

The boy released his friend's hair and leaned down to hug her from behind.

Lily snuggled into the nook of Kurt's neck.

"I hope that we're friends when we get out of here." she said whispered.

"We wouldn't be friends in the real world," Kurt replied, his voice bitter but not rude. He spoke the words because they were true- and they both knew it.

"I know. But it would still be nice to know another person who knew me during my breakdown and still likes me."

The friends looked down to soak up the words, when they heard a

"Hello everyone." A man in a white hospital coat said in a microphone at the front of the room. "I'm Doctor Blue. As most of you know, we have guests today. They are the Dalton Academy Warbler's and they are here to sing for us. We have also invited to join us for movie night. So, please put your hands together and join me in welcoming them."

The chestnut haired boy clapped, his blonde friend clapped, and most of the other patients, as well as the doctors and nurses who were looking on.

"Hi, everyone! We're the Warblers and this is Bad Romance."

"Oh... my... GaGa..." The chestnut haired boy mumbled.

"What?" The blonde haired girl asked.

"A group of boys are shamelessly singing Lady Gaga!"

The girl shrugged.

"I think it's because you just moved here from San Francisco that you don't understand this, but guys singing a song traditionally sung by girls is a big thing in Ohio!" The boy yanked just a little harder than necessary on the stands of his friends' hair in his fist.

" _Ouch_!"

A curly, raven-haired boy step forward from the group to introduce the next song. "Our next song is _When I Fall_ by the Barenaked Ladies."

" _I look straight in the window,_  
 _try not to look below_  
 _Pretend I'm not up here,_  
 _try counting sheep_  
 _But the sheep seem to shower_  
 _off this office tower_  
 _Nine-point-eight straight down_  
 _I can't stop my knees._ "

The curly- haired Warbler stepped back and an Asian Warbler stepped forward.

" _I wish I could fly_  
 _From this building,_  
 _from this wall_  
 _And if I should try,_  
 _Would you catch me if I fall?_ "

The song finished and some of the audience clapped.

"I love that song." The blonde turned around and twisted her hair as her friend released her hair. "Daddy used to play it all the time when I was little. He loved that kind of music."

Kurt nodded. "We used to sing classics in my Glee Club, but never softer stuff like that. Except that one time this jock Puck knocked up the cheer captain and sang her the song Beth. I think that was when we realized that he wasn't a total jerk."

"Glad that you guys liked that song... It's a solemn song, so now were going to lighten up the mood with..." The black curly haired boy paused dramatically and grinned. "Katy Perry's _Teenage Dream_."

The curly haired boy opened his mouth and began to sing. Kurt couldn't find the words to describe what he was feeling as small smile appeared on face and his muscles ached, since he hadn't smiled in so long.

The curly haired boy looked towards the chestnut haired boy as he sang.

"He's looking at you!" The blonde haired girl exclaimed to her friend in a hushed voice.

"He could be looking at you," The chestnut haired boy replied, liking, but not being used to the concept of another boy looking at him.

"No, I know when a boy is looking at me... And he's def. looking at you." The blonde told her friend.

"He's looking again!"

"Then smile!" The blonde instructed.

"I am!"

Teenage Dream ended and a boy of average height and boyish looks stepped out of the middle row. The chestnut boy supposed he was a freshman.

"Uh, hi... This song is about this boy who wants to tell everyone in his life about his closet romantic relationship with his best friend, but it's not exactly what his best friend wants. It's called _Role of a Lifetime_."

The freshman opened his mouth:

" _Everything's an act,_  
 _When you're pleasing everyone._  
 _And he assumes that role_  
 _To such renown._  
 _He plays a perfect part,_  
 _Straight from his heart_  
 _Knowing the risk he takes_  
 _And hoping that the house_  
 _Is not brought down._ "

The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy.  
The trauma that you struggle to erase.  
Thoughts battle words over deeds  
A war with such casualties.  
All played out behind a smiling face

"They are singing _Bare: A Pop Opera_!" The chestnut haired boy exclaimed to his friend.

"I love the lyrics." His friend agreed.

"No, they're singing _Bare_!" the chestnut haired boy exclaimed again, but the blank expression that he received in response frustrated him.

It was times like these that the chestnut haired boy wished that Rachel were here. His step- brother's girlfriend was often annoying, obnoxious, and lacked social skills, but she knew musical theatre, and he enjoyed watching musicals and singing with her. He could tolerate her. Maybe, it she didn't think that he was entirely crazy after everything, he would talk to her if he ever left Green Meadows...

"Bare is a story about these students coming of age at a Catholic boarding school. The main character Jason doesn't want anyone to know that he is gay. Meanwhile, his roommate and sometimes lover, does, because his room ate Peter knows who he is. It's both controversial and tragic; not to mention that the music is amazing."

The blonde clapped with the rest of the room for the freshman after he finished the song.

"Well," The black, curly haired boy said, we have one more song for you. Then, well join you for movie night." He said and pointed to a cart full of beverages and snacks being rolled into the backup of the room. "This last song is called _Part of Your World_."

The chestnut haired boys mouth dropped and his friend giggled as the song began.

The song ended and the group bowed and the group orderly filed out of their lines.

The chestnut haired boy stood up and offered the blonde haired girl a hand. The girl accepted the hand to stand up but pulled it from the boy's before anything of the Green Meadow's staff could see.

The girl nudged Kurt in the side and pointed to the curly brunette grabbing a water bottle and fist full of Skittles off of the table of snacks and beverages put out for everyone in the room for the movie that the hospital was about to play.

"Go over and talk to him!" the girl ordered.

The chestnut haired boy nervously made his way across the room and stopped at the water bottles, next to where the curly haired boy stood.

Kurt took a deep breath and prepared the words that he would say to ensure that his words wouldn't come out garbled. The chestnut haired boy had a sharp wit, but he didn't want to make a fool out of himself. Besides, didn't even know what the curly, blacked haired boy (with piercing haze eyes that he could see once he was up close) would think of a patient in Green Meadows. "I just wanted to tell you that the song selections were great. I especially liked how the Warbler's sang Role of a Lifetime. Bare is one of my favorite musicals."

God, the chestnut haired boy thought, I sound like Rachel. He's going to hate me.


	4. Trying

"I just wanted to tell you that the song selections were great. I especially liked how the Warbler's sang  _Role of a Lifetime_.  _Bare_  is one of my favorite musicals."

The curly, raven-haired boy turned around, tossing a handful of Skittles into his mouth and chomping on them as he turned around. He swallowed the candy and blushed in embarrassment. "Thanks." The curly haired boy grinned. "It's one of my favorites, too."

"Not to mention your rendition of  _Bad Romance_  … Oh my Gaga, it was  _fabulous_!"

The curly haired boy continued to grin. "Thanks. I take it you're a Gaga fan?"

The chestnut haired boy scoffed.

"What's your favorite song?"

"Are you going to make me decide?"

"Do you want to decide?" The raven-haired boy challenged back.

" _Just Dance_. You?"

" _Speechless_? I mean, I know it doesn't have a beat like her others. But her speech about douchebags that she does at her concerts is _amazing_."

"No, I understand.  _Speechless_  shows how technically musically talented she is." The chestnut haired boy agreed.

"What about the calling of her fans ' _Little Monsters'_?"

The chestnut haired boy paused for a moment. He was quick witted. He was used to thinking about what he said. He was used to having people stare at him when he began to talk about Lady Gaga. He had never had a full- on conversation with another man about a pop sensation before.

In that moment, Kurt wasn't sure if he should have closed his mouth or continued to debate Gaga his hot, new acquaintance

"I'm Kurt.

"Blaine." The curly haired boy stuck out his hand and the chestnut haired boy accepted it.

Kurt tried not to look down at the bandages on his wrists and the crimson that was seeping through a layer deep. Even though he was wearing long sleeves, he felt like he could have waved his arms in front of everyone and his wrist would have been just as obvious. He hoped that by not making a big deal out of his wrists, the other boy wouldn't either.

"It's nice to meet you." Kurt said, as he saw his bombshell blonde friend motion to him.

"You too." Blaine agreed.

"I think that your friend is talking to my friend, Wes."

"Lily?" Kurt asked, looking at his blonde friend and the boy standing next to her. "Yes, she's kind of boy crazy."

"Wes is kinda girl crazy."

The chestnut haired boy and the raven-haired boy looked at each other and smirked.

"Can I get everyone's attention, please?" Dr. Blue spoke into a microphone on a stand on the stage at the front of the room.

Kurt and Blaine turned their heads towards the doctor.

"Please take the next minute or so to find a seat if you're not seated." Up here, I've got  _Toy Story 3_  and  _Avatar_. We're going to a vote, so when I say the movie that you want to watch, please raise your hand and keep it up until I can get a count."

Dr. Blue looked around the room and raised the  _Avatar_  DVD case. " _Avatar_." Several people raised their hands and Dr. Blue counted them. Dr. Blue then raised the  _Toy Story 3_  DVD case in his other hand. " _Toy Story 3_."

Kurt looked around casually. Not in a way that said he was obviously checking how everyone else was voting, but more like he was seeing many red- blurred arms shoot up from the corner of his eyes when the children's movie title was said.

"Do Dalton boys love Disney movies or something?" Kurt leaned over and whispered to his new friend.

Blaine glanced around him to make sure that no elders or Warbler council members were around him, so that he wouldn't get in trouble when he spoke. "Yes." she smiled mischievously.

"They're not too old for them?" Kurt asked, trying to imagine anyone but Tina from his Glee club watching a Disney movie on his or her own time.

Blaine scoffed quietly. "With so much stress put on us to perform well in school, extra- curricular activities, and life in general, we need an outlet that doesn't require excessive brainpower, but is still interesting and fun."

Kurt nodded. He liked that thought.

"Well, the people have voted and it looks like we'll be watching  _Toy Story_! Dr. Blue said into the microphone.

The curly raven-haired boy grinned like a five year old whose mom let them have a candy bar before dinner on a school night.

The projector turned on and the movie began to play on the blank, white wall behind the state. "Enjoy, everyone!" Dr. Blue called with a smile.

The raven-haired boy thought that Dr. Blue smiled a lot and laughed a lot. He thought that it was a strange thing to do in a place so solemn. Blaine wondered if it was because if the doctors couldn't laugh, they would cry. The raven- haired learned to cope the same way.

The movie began.

Kurt rolled his eyes. Kids movies were dumb. They were idealistic and overrated.

But by the time Woody spoke to the toys about all of the gang that had been lost along the way, for the movie had his attention.

By the time the toys were running from the kiln, Kurt leaned forwards towards the screen. His hands were up near his face and he stuck his nails in his mouth momentarily, before he realized that he didn't want to ruin his nail beds.

Blaine leaned over and chuckled. "I told you that kid's movies were intense."

"I haven't watched one in so long that I distorted my view on them, even though I had no evidence to back up my thoughts." The chestnut haired boy admitted.

The leggy blonde leaned over. "You just stayed because you liked  _Blaine_ ," she whispered in the Kurt's ear.

"That's why I sat down, but it's not why I stayed." The Kurt whispered intensely back into his friend's ear, slightly annoyed by the blonde's comment. The blonde, more than most anyone, should have known that not everything was about  _love_. There was so much more to every situation than romantic love- there was much more than chemicals distorting in the brain to cause a temporary reaction to something- there had to be. That was what distinguished humans from animals- at least that's what he liked to think- some humans, like most of the ones at his high school, still had herd instinct.

"Do you want to get some more snacks?" The raven-haired boy asked the chestnut haired boy sensing tension, as her slowly stood up and stretched.

"Sure," The chestnut haired boy agreed, standing up slowly, and followed the raven-haired boy to the snack table.

Kurt sighed calmly. He was had all of the points needed to leave the place- he didn't need more problems- with a person he considered his friend nonetheless.

"Are you okay?" The raven- haired boy asked, turning around to the boy who was behind him. He worried that he wouldn't say the right words- that some things were awkward to a person in a hospital.

Kurt looked away. After lying and telling people that he was okay for so long, he was trying to learn to tell the truth again. "If I can't handle the world inside of Green Meadows, how could I possibly handle the world outside of this place?" Kurt asked, looking directly into Blaine's eyes.

"Maybe," the raven-haired boy suggested, "You don't give yourself enough credit. "I think that you are surrounded by a lot of troubled people in here- good- but troubled. In the outside world I think that a lot more people know coping methods. The people are here for a reason- not always because they need to be here- but they are."

"Warblers, can I get your attention, please?" Wes called, clapping his hands together twice.

Blaine and Kurt turned their heads towards the Warbler's co- captain who was talking into the microphone at the front of the room.

"Our bus is waiting outside and your parents are expecting you all back by 10 PM, so we're going to wrap up. We would like to thank Dr. Blue for helping us organize our visit. We would also like to thank Green Meadows for allowing us to visit." Wes clapped his hands in applause and Blaine and David followed Wes in leading the applause.

The Blaine turned to Kurt. "Looks like I have to leave, but I'd like to finish our conversation…" he trailed off, hoping that the other boy would have an idea about how they could finish their discussion.

"Visitors are allowed Saturday afternoons." The Kurt offered. "You just have to call ahead and tell them my name and then they will ask me to confirm that I want to see you. That's how non- facility regulated visits work."

"Blaine Anderson."

"Kurt Hummel."

"Here," The Blaine reached into his back and pulled out a fine- tipped Sharpie from the side pocket of his messenger bag hanging across his body. The raven- haired boy un-capped his pen and slowly reached for the chestnut- haired boy's hand. He gently turned over the chestnut haired boy's hand and gripped his palm as he wrote his number down on his hand.

The chestnut haired boy looked at the number on his palm and smiled to himself before tugging down on the long sleeved shirt, as his sleeves were riding up.

"I'll call you this week." The chestnut- haired boy said.

"Hear from you soon, then." The raven- haired boy offered a comforting, re- assuring, closed- mouthed smile as he turned away.

"Talk to you soon!" The chestnut- haired boy called as he waved goodbye.

It wasn't until the chestnut- haired boy was under his clean, pressed white, starched sheet that night, would he think about what Blaine said. _Maybe_  didn't give himself enough credit. But maybe the world that he was from just wasn't for him.  _Maybe_ , there was a world that was, but it wasn't back at McKinley High School. The chestnut- haired boy knew that for sure. He just didn't know where to go from Green Meadows Psychiatric Hospital.


	5. Phone Call

Kurt had to wait until the Sunday for Blaine to call. Patients were encouraged to call their visitors and thank them for visiting following their Saturday, the traditional visitation day.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

The chestnut haired boy pressed the corded landline his ear awkwardly. He couldn't recall the last time that he had talked on a landline phone. This was the first time that he had call outside of his daily meeting with his psychotherapist calling various people on speakerphone.

"This is Blaine." A male voice on the other end of the line said.

"Hi, Blaine… This is Kurt."

"Hi, Kurt!"

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Besides for my Sunday afternoon date with coffee and Calc. homework?" The Dalton boy tried to joke.

Kurt laughed awkwardly. "Do you have a lot of homework?"

"No more than usual. Dalton enjoys torturing us with excessive problem sets."

"Are ready for your test?"

Blaine blew out. "I'll never be. All of this drilling just isn't helping, either- we can't all have photographic memories like Wes, can we?"

"Math prodigy?"

"Just a general overachiever." Blain laughed fondly.

"Aren't all Dalton Academy boys overachievers?"

"Some more than others." Blaine responded truthfully.

" _Not all animals are made equal_." The Kurt joked.

" _Animal Farm_." The raven- haired boy recognized the idea.

"I hated that book."

"Me too… Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"I really don't think that you give yourself enough credit. I've talked to you for something like an hour total talking time and I can tell that you are extraordinarily intelligent."

"You know they say genius and insanity go hand in hand." The moment that the words came out of the Kurt's mouth, he regretted them.

He didn't want Blaine to think about his mental stability. Blaine didn't know or understand the whole story- and Kurt didn't need Blaine judging him before he knew the whole story- did he want other boy to know the whole story?

"You're not insane."

"How do you know?"

"I've talked to you for an hour and I can tell that you're brilliant."

"Whose to say that I'm not insane as well?"

"Maybe you are."

"Maybe I'm not."

" _Maybe_ ," The raven-haired boy said back, "I haven't had the chance to get to know you well enough yet."

"Maybe you have."

"I'd like it if I could get to know you better."

"I would, too.

"Would it be okay if I visited you?"

"Yes. I would like that."

"Cool."

"Hey, I'm sorry, but my phone time is almost up for the day and I have to cut you off." The chestnut haired boy said, feeling strangely disappointed that there was a 20 minute time limit on all out- going calls by patients.

"Don't worry about it… Were you serious about me visiting you?"

"Yes."

"Great. I'll call Green Meadows this week then."

"I'll be waiting to confirm your visit."

"See you Saturday, Kurt!"

"You too, Blaine."

And with that, the chestnut haired boy and the raven-haired boy ended their phone call.

"Hey, Kurt," Nurse Marie approached the chestnut haired boy from behind, slowly. She didn't want to frighten him and she knew how he still got shocked when people came up behind him. The nurse knew that it had to do with the bullying that the boy had been victim to back at his high school.

The boy flinched, but only a little bit. He turned around. "Hi, Nurse Marie."

"Who were you talking to?" she asked, not demanding an answer. The chestnut- haired boy always liked that about her. She challenged him, but didn't need to know everything.

"My friend Blaine." The boy responded, a small expression that could have been mistaken for a smile on his lips.

Marie gave the teenage boy a knowing expression. "Dr. Jackie said to remind you that you have an appointment in five minutes."

The boy composed a witty response, but he refrained from saying it aloud. He didn't want to give the nurse a hassle, when he knew that she wasn't responsible for it.

"Thanks for reminding me." Kurt stood up and walked towards the doctor's offices areas. When he arrived at the third door on the right he paused and knocked softly on the door, so that he wouldn't feel the burn his wrists. Even though he had come to like the pain, all the dressing changes that the doctors would force him into if another stitch popped would be a hassle.

"Come in!" A female voice called as the boy heard the shuffle of papers from behind a closed door.

The boy walked though the door. A thirty- something woman sat on a chair behind a table and look at papers. She peered over a pair of stylish glasses and looked up at the boy who had just entered her office. "Hi, Kurt."

"Hi, Dr. Jackie."

"How are you today… and is that a slight smile on your face that I see?" the woman teased.

"What do you think?"

"Why are you smiling, Kurt?" The doctor instructed, looking the teenager in the eye

"A acapella group from the Dalton Academy came and performed for us. I talked with a member named Blaine. It was nice talking to a guy my own age, who's  _normal_."

The psychologist chuckled dryly. "I forget that you're a teenager, you act so grown up."

"I had to act grown- up. It was what distinguished me from the Neanderthals back at McKinley."

"Speaking of McKinley…" The doctor trailed off as she waited for a groan. Any person who didn't want to talk about what they were about to talk about would groan, except foe the boy.

"I know…" The doctor paused. "I'm sorry, but we have to talk about this since your dad is coming tomorrow. It's best to discuss this now than be surprised later. Surprises won't do any good."

"I know." The boy admitted. He hated when the doctors looked down on him like he was a small child. They knew he was a mature teenager, when you're a doctor in a psychiatric hospital for so long, it's not to. Still, it was no excuse.

"Have you thought about where you might want to go once you leave?"

"Not back to McKinley," The boy said without a moment's though. He had months to think about it, his answer had not changed.

"Not anywhere in Ohio, either."

"What about other places?" The doctor asked.

"We've been through this, Dr. Jackie. Burt has his business, his wife, and his step- kid in Lima, I can't make them move for me."

"What about another school- it would be a drive- but you might be safe."

"I don't want to start at another school that  _might_  be safe. I don't care what administrators say- no place is as safe as they claim."

"What your grandparents? Aunts? Uncles?" The doctor suggested.

"I can't take that much from them. I'm already taking so much from Burt. I know the financial burden my hospital bills are putting on him. Besides, if I live with them, then they'll know about me and who's to say that they'll be accepting?" The boy paused, "Remind me why I can't take online classes?"

"We've been through this, Kurt."

"I know- I need to function in the 'real world'- connect myself to people for the future."

"Speaking of strings- let's talk about them. You've mentioned your friend Mercedes. Let's talk about why you and her drifted."

"She was one of my closest friends- at times my only friend- but I didn't want her to get attached. I didn't want the bullies to hurt her by association with me- I'm not worth that much. And when I finally made the decision to leave  _this place,_  I didn't want her hurting."

"Don't you think that you hurt her when you severed her friendship? Don't you think that you hurt her when you tried to kill yourself?"

"Thanks for the self- esteem boost, Doc," Kurt's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Yes, but I think that I would have hurt her more if she was attached. She'd have even more regrets that way."

"What about your acquaintance, Rachel? You've mentioned her before. Did you detach from her, as well?"

"I wasn't as attached to her, like I was to Mercedes. We sang together and sometimes worked on things together, but it wasn't like it was with Mercedes."

The doctor nodded. "How do you think that Rachel took it?"

"Rachel is tough. She' bullied at school for many reasons, but she knows who she is. It would have been hard on her, but she would have coped."

The doctor nodded again. "You've made a lot of progress. You really do have an good understanding of what repercussions your actions have or might have had on others."

Kurt looked around. Complements were awkward for him. He hadn't received many since his mom died- she always complemented him and thanked him for helping her.

Things were different at McKinley.

Correction: Things were  _fucked_  up at McKinley.

It was survival of the fittest. Bullies would be bullies. Tadpoles might morph into frogs, but at the end of the day the bullies would still be kids who snatched frogs from the pond and stabbed them to death with a stick.

Authority witnessed violence every day and never did anything about it.

Teachers claimed that death threats would get bullies suspended or expelled, but they were not taken seriously. How could slushy facials, dumpster tossing, and smashing into lockers be taken seriously if death threats weren't? Surely, faculty had seen the attacks. They were cowards.

Kurt thought Mercedes and Rachel were brave- they took on Goliath with no one at their sides.

Kurt didn't cope like the girls did. He did for a while- but the attacks ultimately broke him.

The detail- oriented boy hated- not knowing what made him snap. Some day he would write a memoir, analyze the data, and make up his mind, but until then, he would live without answers to his questions.


	6. Mediation Therapy

After Kurt's appointment with Dr. Jackie finished, he went back to his room to read a book.

A few hours later, Nurse Marie came in with his evening pills, after which he went to dinner, read more of his book, and he went to sleep.

The night was ordinary, but for the boy in the hospital, it was not. He was able to concentrate, he didn't have a migraine, and he could see early spring outside.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

The boy looked over to his door and saw Nurse Marie standing there.

"Lights out," she said, not commenting to Kurt about his position on his bed, with a book, appearing relaxed, because she knew that the that three doctors would ask him questions about it the following day.

Kurt looked up at the nurse, somewhat shocked, but he didn't twitch. "Sure, Nurse Jackie. Actually, can you come back after you finish your rounds? I'd like to finish this chapter."

The nurse looked out in the hallway and back into the room. "Okay, but if anyone asks, you were in the bathroom, so I skipped your room and came back later."

"You're such a rebel." The boy teased with a teasing smile.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're looking great today, so by skipping you, I'm ensuring your happiness, well being, and weaning you off an exact treatment schedule."

The nurse hurried out and returned after her round to flick out the boy's light. That night, the boy continued to read in the dark.

The following morning, Kurt's mood was back down. He groaned in frustration his mood dropped so quickly.

Not even Nurse Marie's motherly smile and cheerful words could cheer him up as she handed him his pills cheered him up. He swallowed the pills with anger and then trudged to breakfast, to his studies, and finally, to Dr. Jackie's office. He knew that he was being dramatic and didn't care a bit.

Kurt knocked on the door and then looked in to see his doctor sitting at her desk and his father sitting awkwardly on the black, leather couch across from her.

The man had shared his chestnut colored hair, but was balding, in his forties, and sturdily built.

He sat on the edge of the seat and looked like he was in the middle of a conversation with Dr. Jackie.

"Welcome, Kurt!" Dr. Jackie offered Kurt an encouraging expression, which was comforting, but not as much as a smile would have been..

The man looked up at the teenage boy. "Hi, kid." He said quietly and gruffly.

"Hi." The teenage boy stood in the doorframe and looked around the room tentatively.

"Please join us," The doctor offered, "and take a seat."

The boy walked into the room and took a seat on a leather swivel chair across from the doctor.

"How are you today, Kurt?" Dr. Jackie asked.

"Okay."

"Can you tell me why?"

"I read a hundred pages of a good book last night and I actually slept soundly for five hours."

"The sleeping pills are helping, then?"

Kurt shrugged. "I'm sleeping better than I was last month, if that's the question."

"It is."

"Burt was just telling me that business at the shop is up 10% from last month."

Burt acknowledged the doctor with an embarrassed grumble and lopsided expression that might have been a proud smile.

"Good for the shop." Kurt replied.

Kurt's father and his therapist shot him a look saying his sarcasm was not welcome in their mediation session.

"Kurt, please tell your father what you did this week."

"I studied, I read, I went to my therapy sessions and group therapy sessions," Kurt paused and consider adding more, "A singing group from The Dalton Academy came to perform, too."

"Did you like that? You like musical stuff."

Kurt looked up, surprised. His eyes clicked with his father's briefly.

"I did. Thanks for asking. It was nice talk to people other than the ones here."

"I thought you don't like talking with people your own age."

Kurt shrugged. "Not usually, but the Dalton Boys were respectful, easy to talk to, and they didn't make threats on my life, so…" the teenage boy chuckled dryly.

Burt nodded.

Kurt signed quietly to himself. His fathered remembered something about him and was respectful about it— the least he could do was try to do the same.

"How are Finn and Carol?"

The elder Hummel raised his eyebrows and though he tried to hide it, he wore a smile.

"They're good. Finn got quarter back this season and Carol is great to have around the house." Burt looked down awkwardly. "I don't have you around to match stuff anymore and she's good at it- and decorating, too.

Kurt looked down. Was the being a talented interior decorating enough reason to stay?

Then again, Burt seemed to be trying— and this was the longest conversation that they had in over a year and a half.

Dr. Jackie turned to Kurt, then turned to Burt, before speaking: "I'm going to ask you both a few questions. I want you to answer them as honestly as you can. I know that it is hard for both of you, but I want you to try."

Burt fidgeted in his seat and Kurt wanted to cover his eats and hum and block out the session, but both managed to stay collected and in their seats.

"Burt, can you tell me how you felt when you heard that Kurt had attempted suicide?"

"I knew that he was depressed- I'd seen the same stuff with his mom and I knew that he was bullied at school for liking guys, musicals, and fashion, but I didn't know that it was that bad. I felt like a failure as a father for failing to protect my son, but then again, I hadn't been much of a father, either… Poor Finn- he needed therapy to get over finding Kurt."

Kurt bit his lip.  _Of course things come back to Finn. And any therapy Finn needs- I still needed more. I'm in a psychiatric hospital, for fuck's sake._

"Kurt," Dr. Jackie looked at the boy, "Can try to put your father inside your mind when you tried to commit suicide?"

"Jocks beat me up daily; I only had a couple of friends; I couldn't control anything; and I was depressed on top of it. I had my grades and music going for me, but I was still depressed.  **Do you know what it's like to** _ **want to die and not know why**_? I know that some people don't intend to die, but they just cut too deep- and though it was an accident, but I intend to find a way to die more definitely. I wish I knew _why_  I get so fucking depressed."

"I wish you would've told me." Burt's face softened and Kurt thought that he looked old and exhausted.

There was a long moment of silence.

"I TRIED!" Kurt screamed. "I TRIED! I said, ' _Dad, I don't feel well_!' _'Dad, I don't want to go to school today!_ ' I came home with bruises! I know that you found one of my razors and asked what it was. I told you that it was a shaving razor, but it had blood on it, even though I had no knick on my face. You should have picked up on the signs, you should have known— you're my Dad first and Finn's dad and Carol's wide second— and you didn't see the signs!"

Burt sighed deeply. "It's hard being your father, Kurt! Did you ever think about that? I love you, kid. I loved you when you asked for sensible heels and when you wore them when we had tea parties. I've only able see you as my son who was always happy- it's hard for me to accept that you've ever been anything but that. I couldn't bear to see what happened to your mom happen to you.

As for Carol and Finn, I love you bud, but, I love, too. You're the best thing that's ever happened to be, they are important to me, too.

Finn's never had a father figure and it's cool to have a live- in sports bud. And it's nice to have a woman to come home too, it feels good to have sex, and it feels great to be in love… I haven't had a serious relationship since your mom and I like having someone to share my life with… It's hard not having your mom here, but she wouldn't want me to be  _un_ happy…" The man trailed off as his voice cracked on the last word.

"You both obviously have qualms about the other, but the qualms obviously have origins and reasons for being the way that they are. I would like to have you both think about those for next week. Right now, I would like you both to shake hands. Can you do that for me?"

Kurt stood up first. Even if they fought, a handshake was a signal of neutrality. Burt followed his son's example and stuck out his hand first. Kurt accepted the hand and shook his father's hand.

Shaking off a brief urge to hug the older man, Kurt looked at the older man in the eyes and said, "Goodbye."

"See you later," The man nodded and then stepped out of the room.

Kurt ducked his head back in Dr. Jackie's office. "See you later, doc." He said.

"Talk to you later, Kurt."

Kurt walked slowly back to his room, taking in his surrounding and his surrounding's details. His mind was whirling with thoughts and he didn't know where to start. He didn't want a therapist to talk to about his thoughts- he wanted a friend. He wanted to rant about parents, about high school, about whatever, and not be judged by a biased person. He didn't want to be psychoanalyzed, he wanted to hang out, eat sweets, and watch a movie, dance, sing, and simply have fun… Was that too much to ask for?

Maybe it was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 1. I have been told this by someone with depression- I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.


	7. A Friend

Wednesday, a nurse who Kurt recognized from the patient activities council walked into Kurt's room.

"Hi, Kurt," a short brunette woman in a crisp, white, nurses' dress knocked on the door framed, "Can I come in?"

The chestnut haired boy rolled out his arm in a welcoming gesture, though the expression on his face remained stoic.

"You're not here to ask me about future plans, are you?"

The nurse tried not to chuckle, but a sour expression appeared on her face in protest. "No."

"You're not here to administer medicine or give me a sedative shot?"

"No."

"You're not here to tell me that I didn't complete my schoolwork or got another patient mad?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I'm here to tell you that a gentleman by the name of Blaine Anderson called this morning asking if it would be alright if he visited you on Saturday. Green Meadow's procedure says that if the person is not legally connected and if the patient is a Level One or Level Two, then we ask the patient for their consent about people who want to visit them."

The crease of the boys closed lips curved upwards.

The woman handed the teenager a clipboard with a single sheet on it and a single thin marker, since pens were considered safety hazards at the hospital.

The boy read through the paper quickly, but carefully, signed it, and handed it back to the woman.

He looked up and offered an awkward smile- he didn't particularly trust people who he didn't know- "Thanks."

"You're welcome, sweetie." She smiled and then paused. "Now, on Saturday, "You will come to the front commons by the main desk. Several other level ones and level twos will probably be waiting and mixed in with several visitors. You will find your desk and bring them to the front, where he will sign a confidentiality waiver for whatever he sees here and whatever you may talk to him about that is not 'common knowledge'. Then, you are free to spend time either in the commons, the cafeteria, empty conference rooms, or game room. Do you have any questions?"

"No."

"Great… But if you have any questions, my office is in 312, to the right of the front desk, before the Ward Head's office and before the doctors' offices. Have a good day," the woman smiled and left the room.

Kurt's chest fluttered with anxiety and excitement- he didn't know weather to be nervous that someone who he (let's be honest here) barely knew was coming to visit him in a psychiatric hospital or very excited that a really nice (and cute) boy was coming to hang out with him. Maybe, he felt both.

Thursday and Friday lagged on, but finally Saturday arrived.

The chestnut haired boy opened his eyes at 6 AM and felt wide-awake, as if he had not spent the past 4 hours sleeping. Most nights, he felt exhausted, but he couldn't sleep, even on sleeping pills, so this was something different.

The boy picked up the book that he had been reading and began to read more of it. As he began to read, he remembered the morning texts that he and Mercedes would always send each other to make sure the other was awake. Though he was glad that he didn't have the drama like he did when he had a cellphone, he almost missed that connection to the outside world.

Kurt flipped from his back to his stomach. He stayed in the position for less than 10 seconds then he flipped back. He sat up. Then, he stared at the wall for a half an hour. His nights were usually like this- not asleep, but not awake- he felt like a zombie out of one of those movies that Finn loved so much.

Finally, two hours worth of seconds ticked by. The chestnut haired boy was notified of this because he heard a knock at his door. He jumped and looked up to see Nurse Marie entering the room with her medicine cart.

"Hi, Kurt!"

"Good morning, Nurse Marie!"

"You seem chipper this morning."

Kurt scowled harmlessly.

Nurse Marie glared playfully back and tried not to laugh.

"Okay, okay, someone is coming to visit me today!"

Nurse Marie squealed in delight.

"This is good for you! You don't seem mad about this visitor, either… Who is it?"

"Do you remember how I was telling you that The Warblers from the Dalton Academy came to perform for us? Well, I got talking with this one boy named Blaine. We talked on the phone, too and he's coming to visit this weekend."

"That's good, Kurt!"

Kurt smiled, as the nurse handed him a small paper cup with three pills. He put the cup to his lips, then accepted another cup filled with water and tossed his head back to swallow the pills.

"I hope that you visit goes well, honey," Nurse Marie said as she turned around

"Have a good day, Nurse Marie!" the boy called as he stood up and opened the drawer filled with his clothes that was against the wall in the corner.

Kurt pulled out his favorite, best fitting (and tightest) pair of jeans and his whitest shirt (Burt had sent him with clothes when he had been admitted, but he did not send the majority of Kurt's most fashionable clothes). The teenager found himself wishing that he had asked his father to bring specific items that fit him slightly better and he liked slightly more.

He strolled to the cafeteria and at half of his cereal and oranges and he downed his cup of black coffee in record time, not even to stop and think about how he missed his grande non-fat, no-whip vanilla latte.

Then, he made his way to the commons, picked the most comfortable chair (which was not the one that looked like it had the best back support, which is the one that he would have chosen several months ago), and opened the book that he was reading again.

The chestnut haired boy looked up as a single, clear voice turned into twenty garbled voices. Marginally annoyed, the boy looked up.

He looked around the room.

"Hey," Kurt looked up to see one of the boys in his hall taking a seat next to him.

"Hi, Jason."

"Visitor?" the blonde boy asked, allowing his long bands to flop over his eyes and land on the bridge of his bright red, sunburnt nose.

"Yes, an acquaintance. You?"

"My brother." The boy looked down.

"Good to know that someone likes me enough to come visit a fuck up in a mental hospital."

"I know the feeling." The chestnut haired boy agreed, as another blonde haired boy who looked like an exact replica of Jason aside from the fresh haircut and business suit.

"Good luck." Kurt nodded.

"You too, man." Jason said as he stood up and glanced back at Kurt.

The chestnut haired boy was about to look back down when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Kurt flinched, instinctively, but then he remembered where he was and that pain didn't usually come without warning.

"Kurt, Hey," The curly, raven haired boy smiled widely.

"Hey, Blaine." The boy tried to smile just as widely back, but secretly hoped that his smile didn't make him look too awkward.

Kurt stood up.

"How was your week?" Kurt asked.

"Busy. Wes and David are a little rehearsal – obsessed because Regionals are coming up- Wes has a compulsive gavel banging problem when he's stressed." Blaine chuckled.

Kurt raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"How was your week?" Blaine asked cautiously, knowing the gravity of their location as he said a quick prayer asking not to hit a nerve.

"My Dad came Tuesday, which was initially awkward and painful, but rather enlightening once we got to talking."

"That's good."

"It is."

"Okay, so I just realized that we actually don't know that much about each other, so I think that we need to play 20 questions or something." Blaine grinned and Kurt raised an eyebrow in response.

The chestnut haired boy bit his lip, not particularly wanting there to be another chance for Green Meadows to come up, which it inevitably would- and he knew that it would be awkward.

"Okay, I guess."

"What's your first and last name?" The raven-haired boy asked.

"Kurt Hummel?"

"Blaine Anderson. Favorite drink?"

"Coffee. You?"

"Coffee. Favorite movie?"

" _Harry Potter_. You?"

"Ditto. Book?"

" _A Separate Peace_."

Blaine raised an eyebrow. "My friends Wes and David tried to convince the teacher that Gene and Phineas were gay."

Kurt just about choked.

"Seriously? I mean, I thought that they were, but I wasn't about to say anything, because I went to school in fucking Lima, Ohio."

"Yeah, apparently the teacher had heard it from students in previous years and she told them that she could see how they would think."

"I wish that teachers in Lima would agree like that," Kurt confessed, surprised that he was admitting this thought to a person that he barely knew. "I mean, Mr. Shue might or that sub Ms. Holiday, but other than that, I doubt it.

"Limited in Lima?"

"Extremely."

"That's how it was before Dalton."

"You portray Dalton as very accepting- is it?"

"It is. I mean, there are jerks, but there are jerks everywhere. There are couples and there are singles- some of them are gay and some of them are straight and have girlfriends from other schools. There are still you know PDA rules, but I figure that's normal."

"I didn't know that places like that exist."

"They do- they're just hard to find- I got lucky, I guess."

A comfortable silence fell on the pair.

Blaine looked around.

"Do you want to go to the library?" Kurt asked.

Blaine blinked.

"They have Perry's Ice Cream cups every Saturday for all Level One and Level Twos."

"So what exactly are the levels?" Blaine asked as he bit his lip. "I mean, what exactly do they entail?"

"Different treatment facilities have different systems, but we work on a 6 step system here- at least in the short term wing. 'Short- term' is at least four months here. Upon entering, everyone is a level 6. For passing certain 'markers' in each level, patients go up a level. Once you pass all of the levels, you are able to leave if you want to. That doesn't stop some people from talking their way out of it, just saying what the doctors want them to say, so that they can leave, though." Kurt explained.

Blaine nodded. He looked around awkwardly. "Uh… What level are you on?

"I've completed Level One."

"So you'll be out of here soon then?"

Kurt looked down at his socked- feet and shrugged. "If I want to. I don't want to go back yet. I don't want to have to face everyone I left behind."

Blaine wasn't sure exactly how to reply, so he didn't. But a moment later, a phone emitted a loud ring.

Blaine looked down at his phone and blushed.

"Sorry," The raven-haired boy apologized, pulling his Blackberry out of his pocket. The boy grumbled.

"Something annoying?" The chestnut haired boy asked curiously.

"My dad has been trying to convince me to go to another Cleveland Browns game with him. I like sports enough, but it's I think that it's mostly because he's trying to have 'male bonding'" Blaine made quotes with his fingers, "With hopes that it will turn me straight."

"It's frustrating, right?" Kurt asked. "Do they seriously think that we'd go through so much  _pain_  just to annoy them? Do they not realize how hard it is to come out?"

"I don't think that they do, sometimes," Blaine sighed

"Come on," Kurt stood up and offered his hand to Blaine. "Let's go get some ice cream."

Blaine stood up and followed Kurt to the cafeteria, where a woman in a nurses' outfit was standing with an ice cooler.

"Strawberry?" The woman asked.

"Yes, thanks, Nurse Janine."

"What about you, Dearie?" The nurse turned to Blaine, her flawless red ringlets bobbling.

"Chocolate?" Blaine asked, as the nurse reached into the icebox and pulled out a little cup of chocolate ice cream and handed it to the boy.

Then, she reached into her apron pocket and handed each boy a rubber spoon.

"We use rubber spoons because metal ones can do a lot of damage if you think about it or are desperate," Kurt explained, then chuckled dryly. "G-d, you must think that we're really insane here. I mean, some of them really are, but I'm surprised that you're not freaked out."

"Maybe, I'm not showing it."

"Maybe." Kurt said, sitting down on a chair at a table and popping the cardboard lid off of his ice cream and setting it upside down on the table.

Blaine lifted the lid on his ice cream. "Perry's is the best stuff on the East Coast." He declared.

Kurt laughed. "That is the only thing that I don't miss about my old self." He said surely. "I never ate ice cream because Coach Sylvester said it would make us too fat to compete if we ate it even one and it wasn't good for my figure. Now I realize that once a week won't hurt anything."

"Coach Sylvester… Wait, you were a Cheerio?"

"How do you know about The Cheerios?"

"Who doesn't?"

"Touche."

"Do you miss anything about the outside world?"

"Some." Kurt admitted. "I don't want to face people, their rumors, and my dad and his new family. Mostly, I don't want to go back there to the bullying and drama. I thought that I would miss my wardrobe a lot more than I have, and living simply has actually been nice. I do miss my coffee, though."

Blaine raised an eyebrow, interested.

"I mean, it's okay, but it's usually too watery. And call me one of those obnoxious divas, but I really miss my specialty drinks."

A mischievous smile appeared on Blaine's face.

"What?" Kurt demanded to know.

"Are you allowed out on day trips?"

"Why?"

"Because I know this amazing coffee shop and I think that you would really like it."

"Anyone Level Three or higher is allowed out with family members on earned time slots. Any Level One is allowed out with anyone, because Green Meadows encourages us to re-connect with the outside world. I've never really wanted to leave." The chestnut haired boy shrugged.

"You should come get coffee with me next weekend."

Kurt didn't look convinced.

"Aw, come on. I know that you miss your non-fat, no-whip, no-sugar, no-flavor whatever it is that you diva types like."

"Who are you calling a diva?" Kurt challenged.

"No one, no one." The Warbler's lead singer's eyes lit up. "So will you?"

"Fine," The chestnut haired boy sighed.

"Yes!" Blaine grinned. "We get to bond over coffee!"


	8. Over Coffee, Part 1

The day drifted on, as Kurt and Blaine talked. Blaine relished everything that Kurt said, while Kurt's mind lingered on every word that Blaine said.

"It's almost 5 PM," The chestnut- haired boy frowned slightly, even though his body still felt high adrenaline. "Visiting hours are almost over."

" _Ick_ ," The raven-haired boy agreed, a curl bouncing in front of his eyes.

"We're still on for coffee next Saturday, though, right?" Kurt asked nervously, his eyes wide. He couldn't believe that he was actually asking to leave Green Meadows for a little while.

"Totally," Blaine confirmed with a small grin.

Kurt stood up from his spot at the cafeteria table, despite his heart's protest, knowing Green Meadow's strict visitor's rules.

Blaine followed and made his way to Kurt's side.

Slowly, the two boys strolled out of the cafeteria.

They arrived back at the front desk area where they started.

Kurt and Blaine were so close they could feel each other's body heat. Kurt could smell Blaine's aftershave and he took an extra breath in and allowed Blaine's apple- cinnamon scent to linger.

Blaine wondered if it was too soon to hug Kurt- not even romantically- Kurt just looked like he really needed a hug.

"See you next Saturday... are you ready to see why I practically have a coffee IV from the Lima Bean?"

"I'll be waiting for the request form from."

"Talk to you soon." Blaine smiled, sad that he had to leave, but aware that he had to be back home in time for family dinner and to do homework, on top of the visiting hours being over.

"You too… It was nice talking with someone from the outside world."

Blaine waved with energy and Kurt waved his fingers back with an awkward expression that could have been interpreted as a smile.

Tuesday morning after his pills, the woman who had come into his room the prior week to ask for Kurt's signature, walked in again with a clipboard in her arms and a felt-tip marker in her hand.

"Hey Kurt," the woman smiled.

"Hi."

"I got a call from a gentleman named Blaine Anderson this morning asking about a trip to Lima on Saturday. I know that you haven't been on day trips and haven't expressed interest in doing so, however, I would really like you to consider going. I think that it would be good for you to…"

"I'll go."

he woman's eyes widened in shock.

"I- I want to." The chestnut haired boy added.

The woman handed the teenager the clipboard and maker, with the cap stuck on the end. The boy signed the form and handed the clipboard back to the woman.

"You'll meet at the front desk where you met your visitor last week. You will sign a paper and sign out sheet, as will your guest saying that they are responsible for you. You will ask for your wallet with your ID and such from the front desk and they should have it ready for you. Then you are allowed to leave. You have to be back by 6PM. Do you have any questions?"

The chestnut haired boy's head swirled ever so slightly, not really believing that he agreed to leave Green Meadows even for a little while. He didn't want to go outside, he didn't want to leave the safe walls, he didn't want to face people, he didn't want to run into anyone who he used to know- he wished that he hadn't signed the paper. But he didn't want to take back on his word- and he didn't want to disappoint Blaine. The boy sighed.

"Thank you."

"Have fun this weekend." The woman waved as she hurried off.

Wednesday evening after dinner, the boy walked to the telephone booth. Fortunately, it was BINGO night in the cafeteria, so most people were finishing their dinner and putting chips on sheets. He sat down on the chair and picked up the phone.

The boy's fingers felt numb and they shook vigorously as he punched in each number, but they were also nimble, because he had been punching in that same exact phone number for years.

Ring.

_Please don't answer._

Ring.

_Please answer!_

Ring.

_No, Take that back!_

Ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Kurt?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Uh- how are you?"

"Okay."

"Is there- uh- are reason that you called? I heard that you requested to leave Green Meadows for the afternoon on Saturday… Who are you going with? Do you know anything about who you're going with?"

"It's with this guy named Blaine… He came to perform with a group of show choir kids from the Dalton Academy in Westchester."

"I'm not sure about this."

"I know you're not."

"I don't want this guy kidnapping you, drugging you, or trying to do anything to you."

"I know."

"Be safe, kid. If there's any sign of trouble- run. And remember those self- defense maneuvers. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean that there aren't dangers out there."

"I know,  _Dad_." The words had come out of his mouth. He has issues with his dad, no doubt, but for some reason these words seemed to come out in a manor that seemed something like parental concern. Sometimes parental concern bugged Kurt. Since when since when did Burt care? But for some reason, he felt okay with it today.

"I'm signing off on this because I don't know what to do with you, Kurt. I swear to God I don't. If your mother were still here, she might. She got depressed too, you know. She might have been able to understand."

The boy remembered his mother. He remembered the afternoons at the park with his mom; the cookies that she made when she had more energy than she knew what to do with. He remembered her singing with him and watching the  _Sound of Music_ when Burt had to put in late nights at the auto shop.

The boy also remembered the months when his father told him that his mom was going away for a while so that the doctors could fix her- he remembered how his father told him not to talk to his mom about where she had been because it was painful for her to think about.

The boy had a hard time distinguishing the events from a book that he had read or a movie that he had seen, until the doctor showed him his file. Then, he applied the information to what he thought he knew and the world made a lot more sense.

He thought about the events a lot, of course. He tried to use them to explain things about him. The doctors confirmed these thoughts even though Kurt never asked about them. The doctors never asked about them, either.

"I was wondering if you have touched my bank account or debit card since I was admitted to Green Meadows."

"I haven't. Money still goes in each week."

"Thanks. They're giving me my wallet back for the day on Saturday."

"Be safe, kid."

His father's echoed in his head as he hung up the phone.

The chestnut haired boy turned around and saw that there was a small line of three or four people behind him waiting to use the phone.

"Careful in the lobby, man." The chestnut haired boy looked up at a man with unruly, shoulder length hair and unshaven face. Kurt was equipped with a comeback, but he heard a woman screaming in the distance and simply nodded his head.

" _No_!" a high-pitched voice screamed. " _Don't sedate me! She put me in here! I'm only freaking out because she freaked out first. Why isn't she in here? Why isn't she on the verge of being sedated? Don't lie to me._ "

" _Ouch_." He heard someone nearby murmur.

"Been there, man," He heard the man say. "It blows."

Although Kurt took a roundabout way, he still saw the reflection of a woman throwing her body against a wall as two strong nurses and a doctor stood by preparing a needle. Kurt had seen a similar scene several times before in his months at Green Meadows. Each time he saw the scene, he watched longer, his internal curiosity growing stronger. In way, he sympathized with the person being sedated. He knew that the needles hurt- they weren't ordinary needles- they were bigger and longer. He briefly remembered the time that he was sedated but managed to keep from dwelling too much on it- he wasn't able to handle his thoughts and emotions that came with the memory... He wasn't ready to confront them yet.

Kurt continued to his room and picked up his book, ready to escape his reality again.

For once in Kurt's memory he had something to look forward to. He went to his usual sessions with Dr. Jackie, he spoke up in group session, and even managed to put effort into his academic assignments- he felt a tiny boost of energy that made an enormous difference in everything.

Come Saturday, Kurt woke at 5:45 AM wide-awake and bright- eyed. His stomach tickled and felt full, despite being hungry.

Nurse Marie came in at exactly 8AM like she did every day and handed Kurt a little paper cup filled with his pills followed by a paper cup filled with water. The boy thanked the nurse and even offered her a small smile.

Then, he made his way to breakfast, a tiny, barely noticeable jolt in his step.

At breakfast, he could feel his foot shaking just a little.

Finally, at 8:55, Kurt tried to walk as slowly as he could (to pass the time) to the front desk, which was a lot harder than he had anticipated due to his unexpected excitement.

"Excuse me?" he asked, arriving at the front desk.

"Kurt! We've been expecting you!" One nurse exclaimed. "Let me go get Nurse Sandra- she'll go over everything with you... Nurse Sandra! Nurse Sandra!"

A stern looking nurse with a tight up- do and glasses perched on her nose looked down at Kurt. She looked like how Kurt had always imagined Professor McGonagall would look. The woman set a box down on the rounded, rubber- edged counter.

Nurse Sandra handed Kurt a packet of paper. "Usually, I don't approve of such uncoordinated and unconventional hospital- leave, but Doctor Jackie insisted that this would be the best for you, especially since none of our world- renowned therapy techniques seems to be working for you. Essentially, the paperwork says that you have to be back here by 6PM this evening, that your friend will be held responsible and legally liable if anything happens to you while you're out, and that you understand the terms and conditions of your visit and that you still need to go by standard rules while you are out. Please read and sign you signature next to all of the x's."

Kurt read and signed and it felt like a half an hour more than ten minutes.

Nurse Sandra looked into the box and pulled out a brown leather satchel.

"Here's your bag. Inside it is your wallet with your ID and debit card. I think that a pair of sunglasses are in there as well."

The nurse reached into her scrubs breast pocket and pulled out a small, slim, silver flip phone.

"This is a pay-as-you go phone set up for patients leaving the facility. It has just been charged fully. If there are any emergencies, do not hesitate to call it. If you lose it, the charge will show up on your patient bill."

Kurt accepted the phone and slipped in in the tiny pocket in his satchel. The chestnut haired boy turned around to see a curly raven-haired boy standing there in a pair of designer jeans, shiny black shoes, and a red Dalton sweatshirt (but Kurt could see a dress shirt peaking out from underneath).

"Kurt!" Blaine called as the two met halfway.

"There's a no touching policy outside of immediate family." Kurt whispered to Blaine.

Blaine nodded and frowned.

"Mr. Anderson," Nurse Sandra looked at the young visitor. "I have some papers for you to sign!

Blaine walked over to the Nurse. "Sure, what do you need me to sign?"

"Read through these forms and sign next to the x's."

Kurt watched as Blaine signed the papers. He looked at the way Blaine's eyes squinted at the papers and his mouth frowned when reading certain things. He saw that Blaine had a perfect, cursive signature.

"Could I please have a copy?" Blaine asked.

"Of course." Nurse Sandra disappeared.

"Not many people actually read and ask for copies of documents..." Kurt commented, then quickly added, "Not that it's a bad thing!"

"My dad's a lawyer," Blaine explained.

" _Ahh_." Kurt nodded, as Nurse Sandra handed Blaine a stack of still- warm papers stapled in the corner.

"Thank you, ma'am." Blaine accepted the packet, and then turned to Kurt. "You ready?" he asked.

Kurt nodded.

The two boys turned towards the elevator and Blaine hit the down button. Kurt wasn't sure that he would be able to feel it. His entire body stiffened in protest to leaving the building that had become his fortress in the time that he had spent in it.

The elevator dinged and Kurt jumped.

As the door slid open, Blaine looked over to make sure that the other boy was okay- but he didn't ask- he wasn't sure if that was an appropriate thing to say.

Blaine stepped on first and Kurt followed, walking with tiny, penguin-like steps.

No words were spoken- Kurt could have talked about a thousand different things- but no words came to mind he felt so frozen in place.

Finally, after what felt like ten minutes, but was closer to 30 seconds, the elevator dinged again.

Kurt was off before Blaine could blink and Blaine could follow.

Kurt looked around- the lobby looked familiar, but also funny. It smelled clean like antiseptic and less like copper, which the floor that he lived on always smelt like.

Blaine made his way over to a desk and smiled to the receptionist, who handed him a clipboard. Blaine signed the paper and handed it back to the receptionist.

Blaine turned around and looked at Kurt. "Are you ready for the best coffee that you've ever tasted?" he challenged teasingly, trying to break the uncomfortable science.

"Totally." Kurt agreed, as a  _Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz_  sound happened when they arrived at the door. It was the nurse behind the counter pressing the unlock button for the door.

Kurt jumped again. This time, he grabbed Blaine's hand on his way down.

Both boys looked down at their entwined fingers and blushed.

"Umm… Sorry…" Kurt said, but didn't move his fingers.

"It's okay." Blaine replied.

The chestnut- haired noted how warm and callused the raven-haired boy's hand felt against his own cool, soft hands.

Together, the two boys walked through the automatic doors as they slid open with a gasp.

A sweet pollen, freshly mowed grass smell overwhelmed the chestnut- haired boy's lungs. Birds emitted high- pitched squeaks and air blew into his ears. A slightly- humid wing blew against his face. A smiling, warm sun beamed onto his skin. It felt a little funny. Not bad, though. Actually, the chestnut- haired boy kind of liked it.

Reluctantly, the chestnut boy released the other boy's hand. Kurt noted how Blaine tried to continue holding his hand for a moment longer, but he soon forgot the extra-long touch.

Blaine let Kurt to a parking lot in front of the building. The lot was mostly empty aside from the cars that must have belonged to the staff and a few Saturday visitors arrived early. The two boys even passed a woman crying in the car. They didn't say anything, but Kurt nodded with understanding.

Blaine stopped at a 2010 red mini cooper sport convertible. Kurt praised himself for being able to identify the car and it's features even after not seeing a car for months.

"It's very you." Kurt commented.

Blaine laughed with a grin.

"Thanks. It was a gift from my dad on my sixteenth birthday."

Blaine unlocked the passengers side and held the door open for Kurt.

Kurt swooped in gracefully.

Then, Blaine went over to the driver's side and ducked in- but with nowhere near the grace that Kurt had.

And with that, the two teenagers were off to coffee.


	9. Over Coffee, Part 2

The raven-haired boy drove silently down the winding, one lane road. The chestnut- haired boy stared out the passenger side window at the woods and admired the scenery. The rapidly passing trees made him slightly dizzy, but he found himself not minding it at all.

"Have you ever been camping?" Blaine asked into the thin air.

Kurt did a double take before answering the question. "Yeah, my dad goes fishing a lot. Hygiene aside, it's not terrible. What about you?"

"Yeah. I'm a Boy Scout and the Warbler's have annual camping trips, where we spend time in nature making fires, swimming, and, of course, singing."

"That sounds pretty cool."

"When it's not a hazard to anyone's health."

"Explain?"

"Let's just say that some of the Warbler's are kind of pyromaniacs and last year Thad accidentally set Wes' arm on fire. We had to take him to the emergency room. He was okay, of course, but…"

"Ouch." Kurt said as Blaine nodded in response and a comfortable silence fell over the car.

The chestnut haired boy had forgotten how comfortable he got with a car engine purring and the swirl-crunch-swirl noise the tires made below him.

Out of the silence, Blain spoke. "Yeah, my hair hates the humidity when I spent that much time outside and it frizzes to like twice it's normal size." Blaine chuckled.

Kurt playfully winced. "I sympathize."

"It's awful. At least I wasn't wearing my glasses- then I would have looked even worse."

Kurt cocked his head sideways. "I imagine you looking something like Harry Potter."

Blaine kept his eyes on the road and tried not to smile too hard. His rose- colored cheeks gave him away, though.

"At first, I felt physically dirty not being able to shower everyday, but at the original hospital, they had a rewards system and hot showers were one of the rewards. I used to religiously use all these beauty products, but aside from shower things, I'm not allowed to wear anything at Green Meadows. At first it sucked not having all the latest fashions and my beauty products, but after the initial shock, it wasn't too bad… I don't mind much anymore." Kurt confessed, not really sure where the words coming out of his mouth were coming from.

Blaine nodded, as Kurt looked down at his feet and nervously thumb wrestled. Kurt scolded himself for sharing such intimate thoughts with a person outside of a hospital or Green Meadows, but he noted how relieved he felt once he said it.

Blaine nodded, focusing on the road, as an excuse to not reply- he wasn't sure what to say and he didn't want to say anything 'wrong'.

Kurt looked out the window again and noticed that they were passing the Lima Walmart on the outskirts of the town.

The car slowed as they approached a red stoplight and Blaine turned to look at Kurt in the eye. "Is it… weird being here again?" the raven- haired boy asked.

"Nerve-racking." Kurt confessed.

The word said it all.

"The light turned green." Kurt notified Blaine, whose eyes whipped back to the road.

Finally, the car pulled into the coffee shop parking lot. The two boys stepped out of the car and headed towards the entrance and as they walked, they stepped closer and closer together. Their shoulders brushed as they arrived at the door. Blaine quickly grabbed the door and opened it for Kurt.

Kurt blushed as the smell of decent coffee over-powered his senses.

"This smells so fucking good." Kurt confessed, as he took a deep breath and allowed the aroma of coffee to fill his lungs.

Blaine nodded, even though he couldn't comprehend how long Kurt had gone without specialty coffee and without seeing the outside world.

Blaine stepped up to the counter and the barista look at him. "Your regular, Blaine?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you, Lyn... Also, whatever he wants." Blaine signaled to Kurt.

Kurt shot Blaine a nervous look and Blaine nodded his head with a smile.

"I'll have a medium, not-fat mocha, please." Kurt looked at the barista, who he vaguely recognized, and he wondered if she did as well. Looking at the blank expression on her face, he assumed that she did not and the chestnut- haired boy sighed with relief.

The barista handed Blaine his drink and the raven-haired boy took a large, quick sip.

"What's your usual drink?" Kurt asked curiously.

"Medium drip… Well, it was a late, then my coffee addiction became rather expensive, and…"

"Even though you're a prep school boy?" Kurt asked, as the barista handed the chestnut- haired boy his coffee and he said his thanks.

"My parents can afford private school for me and family vacations wherever in the US and Europe every few years, but money is not bottomless and I am expected to have a summer job. They expect me to quote pull my weight unquote." Blaine explained.

It was Kurt's turn to nod, but not fully understand.

Blaine walked over to a table, his usual, though Kurt did not know it, and sat down. Kurt followed and took a seat across from his new friend.

"So tell me about your family." Kurt said and took a long sip of his coffee. He let out a moan of appreciation as his mouth watered- he didn't realize how much he missed his non-fat mochas.

"My parents divorced and both re-married. I have a little sister, Bonnie, on my mom's side. She is the most adorable thing ever."

"Sorry about your parents."

"Don't be." Blaine shrugged. "After the nasty divorce when I was eleven, I don't want to see them together ever again." Blaine chuckled dryly. "What about you?" Blaine asked cautiously and curiously.

"My mom died when I was young. Then, my dad remarried this woman named Carol who he met through me, because I go to school with her son, Finn. It's been hard, because Finn loves sports, cars, and girls, and I imagine that is the kind of son that Bur—my dad would want. I mean, I'm gay, I like fashion, beauty products, and I'm not a fan of most sports—it hasn't been easy on either of us."

"Last summer, my dad has us rebuild this old car together. He said that it was so we could have quality time together since I spent so much time at mom's during the school year, but I think that it was just an attempt to 'straighten' me out." Blaine winced.

Kurt reached his hand across the table and put it on Blaine's. He noted the warmth of Blaine's hand and remembered how much he liked comforting bodily contact that the hospital had policies against. "That's got to be hard."

Blaine looked up wearily as he whispered a, "Thanks."

"My dad has never held it against me that I'm gay—I think that it's more that were completely different people. Then, he met Carol and Finn, and it feels like he replaced me and my mom—how could he just forget about her like that?" Kurt could feel his heart pounding from his chest, to his head, to his fingers."

This time, Blaine took his hand and put it on top of Kurt's. "It's not the same, but when my parents both re-married, I thought that they had betrayed the other and betrayed me. Before Bonnie was born, I thought that my mom was replacing me with this new family. Then, this little wide- eyed girl grabbed my finger and wouldn't let go, and she showed me something about innocence and love."

"It sounds like Bonnie is the apple of your eye."

"She is." Blaine laughed. "I like to play Disney covers for her, too, but not when Sal is around—he's been known to make snide comments about it being 'faggish'."

Kurt winced. "People's ignorance never ceases to amaze me."

"Me either."

Kurt took the last sip of his coffee and looked back down.

"You ready to go?" Blaine asked.

Kurt shrugged, as Blaine stood up and tucked in his chair. Kurt did the same and followed Blaine out of the cafe.

"Is there anywhere else that you would want to go?" Blaine asked.

Kurt shook his head, "No- and even if there were- I don't think that I could handle it. I don't think that anyone back at school or home could, either. I'd just be that 'gay kid that went crazy' and not once would they look at themselves and see that they are too and that they are part of the reason that I broke down. I mean, I have a predisposition because of genetics and physiological factors, but still…" Kurt faded out.

"When- when these guys beat the shit out of me and my date after this dance- I thought that I was going to go crazy. At first, I blamed it on the delirium because of all the painkillers that I was on, but then I started having nightmares about it and symptoms of PTSD... I don't know how I handled it."

Kurt looked over at Blaine. "How did you handle it?"

Blaine shrugged. "Therapy and medicine played a huge factor, but honestly, Dalton saved me."

"They don't beat you up there?" Kurt asked, his eyes wide and slightly in shock.

"They have a strict anti-bullying policy and I joined the Warblers, who are kind of like rockstars." Blaine kept his eyes on the road as he drove.

"That's… really cool." Kurt took in everything that Blaine said. Blaine's words gave Kurt hope and Kurt realized that maybe he and Blaine were more similar than either of them could have thought.

Blaine took his hand that wasn't on the steering wheel and took Kurt's hand in his. "Remember that you are courageous for battling everything that you have, remember that you are not your disorder, and always remember to have courage." Blaine smiled at Kurt, who couldn't help but smile back.

Blaine pulled up to the gate, handed the guard his ID, and offered his name and purpose of visit before being let through. He drove down a long driveway and stopped at a parking lot. The two boys got out and walked shoulder to shoulder into Green Meadows.

They walked through the lobby, where Blaine signed in, and then made their way back upstairs.

They arrived to chaos.

"Have you seen Jason McConnally?" A nurse asked Kurt.

Kurt shook his head. "No, I just got back, sorry."

Kurt turned his head to see a frail blonde sitting cross-legged on a sofa, looking at nothing and everything.

"Hey, Lily." Kurt looked at his friend.

"Hi Kurt."

"Can you tell me what's going on?"

"Yeah, Jason McConnally went missing. They have been looking for him for the past three hours. I don't think that they will find him."

Kurt shook his head, "Me neither."

"People disappear and you guys accept it just like that?" The raven- haired boy asked in disbelief.

"It happens. People leave. Sometimes they escape; sometimes they get transferred; sometimes someone comes and takes them away. Usually, you never see the people who you meet in here again. So they tell us. Rarely, you do. It just happens." Kurt looked Blaine dead in the eye.

Blaine didn't know what to say. He had never experienced something like this before. Of course, he supposed, neither had Kurt or Lily before they came to Green Meadows Psychiatric Hospital.


	10. Lima, Ohio

Due to the chaos surrounding Jason McConally's disappearance, Blaine was not allowed to stay any longer. The two boys were both disappointed, but found comfort in the promise for coffee next Saturday.

On Monday morning, Kurt met with Dr. Jackie again.

Dr. Jackie sat behind her desk, leaning back in her chair, while Kurt sunk into the large, squishy chair with one leg crossed over the other.

"I know that visiting Green Meadows is hard on Blaine. He isn't used to this kind of place. It took me a long time to accept that I would not get out of here without complement of the program, but this place was better than Lima General Hospital. That was pretty terrifying." Kurt admitted to the woman.

"What happened that terrified you?" Dr. Jackie asked.

"After three days in the intensive care unit for my wrist injuries, they sent me up to the psych ward, 'Woodworth North'. I arrived in the afternoon, but I woke up at four the following morning to moans and screams from other rooms and the hallways. Then, this woman started following me around. One day, she stopped by and declared her 'love' and desire to 'fuck' me. Not to mention, the food was inedible. On top of it all, there was this huge unknown about what was going to happen to me. Honestly, at that point, I was looking for ways to finish killing myself."

"Like you tried to do in December?" The doctor asked, referring to the incident four months ago.

"Yes."

"So all in all, do you think that Blaine has handled this well?" Dr. Jackie questioned.

"Yes. I think that he's handling it better than Burt, Carol, and anyone else back home had they known. I don't think that any of them would have handled it well."

"Why do you think that?"

"I think that many of the kids in Glee Club will accept it after a few shallow responses, but I don't think that they would care that much. Everyone else at McKinley would probably just call me that 'gay kid that went crazy'- and they would probably know about my breakdown- or they wouldn't know but the rumors would be worse- and they'd have more reasons to toss me in the dumpster and beat me up. I used to be able to handle it, but I don't think that I can anymore. I don't want to test my ability to handle it, either."

"How do you think that you will handle it?" the doctor asked.

"I'm not going back there. I'll take classes online or I'll run away, but I'm not going back. You can't make me. Burt can't make me. No one can, so don't even try." Kurt looked away.

Dr. Jackie knew that Kurt had shut himself off- they frequently had this discussion with similar results- and that she would not get another answer from Kurt, so she dismissed him for the day.

The week passed slowly, as it usually did, but Kurt found himself excited for the coming Saturday. On Wednesday, he spent time on the phone and became even more excited for the pending weekend. He was not excited about going back to Lima, no matter how short the time was, but he was excited to see and talk with Blaine again.

Saturday, Kurt made his way to the lobby, where he was given his wallet and disposable cellphone, and then waited in the chairs for Blaine.

Kurt remembered how a week ago, another boy sat next to him, anxious for his visitor. Kurt wondered if Jason's brother had taken him away; if he had escaped; or, if he went with his brother and then ran away. Kurt briefly wondered if there was anything that he could have done, but then he remembered that even people who had the best support system and the best of circumstances could break free. Kurt could still not convinced himself that there was nothing anyone could have done.

The chestnut- haired boy sighed, but his face lit up as a raven- haired boy walked into the lobby.

"Kurt!" The boy called.

"Blaine!" Kurt called back with a grin.

"Are you ready to go?" Blaine asked, making a beeline to the desk, where a nurse handed him paperwork to sign. Blaine signed the papers and then handed them back.

"Yes." Kurt nodded and followed Blaine to the elevator, which they stepped in to and Blaine pressed the down button.

"Remind me that I burnt you a copy of the web series  _Lies_."

"Thank you for doing that, by the way."

"No problem. Just sharing the awesomeness." Blaine grinned, as they arrived in the main lobby and Blaine signed out.

The two boys walked shoulder-to-shoulder to the car, their fingers brushing as their arms swung.

Kurt grabbed Blaine's hand as their fingers met.

Kurt looked at Blaine's face for a cue of some sort. Blaine looked back at Kurt and their eyes caught. Blaine smiled back.

"What was that for?"

Kurt's heart and stomach leapt in nervousness. "I don't know- you just seem kind of awkward here. Especially after last week."

"I am- but I don't want to be- I don't want to sound rude- I'm sorry!"

"Don't be. I just remembered how uncomfortable I was here when I first came and I didn't want to weird you out too much."

"We're past that, Kurt. It can be difficult, but that's because Green Meadows is a really hard place to be. But I know that people are struggling and healing here and that makes it a good place to be."

Kurt nodded, as Blaine unlocked Mini Cooper and the two boys hopped in.

"Lima Bean?" Blaine asked as he turned on the engine.

Kurt nodded, his heart still pounding from the question that he asked. Blaine reached over the clutch with the hand that he wasn't driving with and took Kurt's hand in his own. He really liked it there. He thought that Kurt's hands we softer than his little sister, Bonnie's.

Kurt liked how sturdy, callused (from guitar playing), and warm Blaine's hands felt in his own.

It wasn't long until Blaine pulled into the Lima Bean parking lot.

Blaine slid out of his seat and Kurt did too, but more gracefully.

Blaine dashed to the door and held it open for Kurt, who entered with a blush.

"Thank you," Kurt smiled, making his way to the back of the line, which was significantly longer than the previous week, due to it being closer to lunch time this week.

Blaine met Kurt at the back of the line as Kurt turned towards Blaine and asked, "So how was your week?"

"It was okay. AP Exams are coming up next month, so we have review sheets on top of regular homework and it sucks. I've had at least two all-nighters this week alone and I'm so sick of black coffee, I'm splurging on a venti Frappuccino."

"All-nighters suck." Kurt sympathized, as a loud squeal interrupted his thoughts.

"KURTTTTT!" A high-pitched voice squealed as a tiny brunet ran at the chestnut- haired boy and flung her arms around him. She squeezed him tight and did not let go.

" _Rachel_ -I-can't-breath-" Kurt squeaked.

"Oh. Sorry!" Rachel blushed. "You're alive! I knew that you were! I didn't know anything! It was awful! Do you know what people say? The rumors are terrible, Kurt. One time, someone dared to ask your dad and do you know what he did? He punched them. They had to call the cops and everything.  _Ohmigosh_." Rachel squished Kurt again. With the second squish, Kurt put his arms around Rachel.

"I'm here, Rachel."

"I know, but-" A frustrated expression appeared on Rachel's face. Kurt always liked Rachel's determination. In fact, it had been a trait that he has shared for a long time.

"The bullying and depression finally got to me. I have been at hospital for the past five months recovering." Kurt replied, his voice even. "I told you this because I know that you are not a gossip. I appreciate the anonymity and I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone."

Rachel's mouth fell open, still in slight disbelief that she was seeing Kurt and that he had just told her something that was obviously very private.

"I won't tell anyone." Rachel confirmed with a nod, as she looked at Blaine who was looking on.

Rachel leaned over and embraced Kurt in another hug, before resting her head on his shoulder and whispering in the boy's ear. "That guy behind us is starring at us- mostly at you."

Kurt turned his head around. "I know." Kurt whispered back into Rachel's ear. "That's my friend, Blaine."

Blaine waved his hand at Rachel as Kurt and Rachel separate. "Hi, I'm Blaine!"

"Blaine goes to the Dalton Academy in Westerville," Kurt signaled to Blaine's blue Dalton sweatshirt with a tiger on it, "The Warblers came to visit the hospital that I'm at and Blaine and I met and became friends." Kurt explained.

Rachel nodded, her mouth still making an 'O' shape, then glanced at the giant clock on the far wall and frowned. "I have to get to a voice lesson, which I would skip, but Daddy would get really mad, so I have to go now. But I really want to hear from you soon. I miss your spirit in Glee Club, Kurt, and I think that Merce does, too."

"Is your phone number still the same?" Kurt asked.

Rachel nodded and looked up at him with her big brown eyes and nodded.

"I'll call you this week."

Rachel crushed Kurt with another enormous hug and Kurt crushed her back, remembering how strong his tiny friend was. Eventually, Rachel released Kurt and dashed out of the café with a quick, "Good bye, Kurt, Bye, Blaine!"

Blaine chuckled at Rachel as she dashed out and turned his attention to Kurt, as they scooted up in the order line.

"That was Rachel." Kurt told Blaine, who nodded in recognition.

"Based on your descriptions of the New Directions, I think that all of her energy and excitement pretty much gave her away."

"That's Rachel," Kurt said, as he stepped up to order his drink, then added, "and whatever he wants."

Blaine began to protest, but Kurt shot the raven- haired boy a look that he didn't dare protest against and place his order.

The two boys went to the pickup counter and then found a table, which was hard, considering the crowd.

"So, tell me about Dalton." Kurt said.

"If you tell me about Green Meadows and the hospital that you were at before." Blaine said.

Kurt considered protesting, but he found himself agreeing. Education defeated ignorance, so if educating Blaine on the hospitals might remove any of his discomfort, then Kurt was all for it.

" _It was founded in 1911 by Herman Dalton. The goal has been to educate boys for them to go off to colleges and universities around the country. The bullying policy has been in place since the beginning, because it often provided a safe haven for people from the chaos of their home lives, which was something that Herman Dalton, wanted. Nowadays, many boys go off to top higher educational institutes. There are about 500 students, about 150 in the freshman and sophomore grades and about 100 in the junior and senior grades_."

"Okay, that's the official story," Kurt replied, "Now tell me the unofficial one."

" _Most guys are accepting of whoever you are. Sometimes, people feel uncomfortable and sometimes people are rude, but they are usually silenced by how laid back most people are about everything. There are no formal clicks, but usually people with the same interests hang out together. Dalton prides itself in having excellent athletes, many of whom have gone on to be professionals. Academics are grueling. They expect nothing but excellence and you better not attend unless you have it. Many Dalton students are extremely wealthy, however most, like myself, come from upper-middle class families. There are many middle-class students though and many students on scholarships_."

"That sounds amazing. Social acceptance and challenging academics."

Blaine laughed, "If academics are your cup of tea."

"They are." Kurt replied slightly cockily. "I strive for excellence in all areas of life."

Blaine laughed good- heartedly.

"I think that you'll get along well with Wes and David."

Kurt laughed nervously. "I'd like to re-meet them. Assuming they won't think this whole situation is too weird."

Blaine flopped his hand. "It's unconventional, yes, but they'll love you."

Kurt blushed again.

A comfortable silence fell over the table as the two boys sipped their drinks.

The chestnut- haired boy sighed. "I guess it's my turn to talk, isn't it?"

"Only if you want to. I don't want to make you too uncomfortable. If this is too much of a public place or whatever, I totally understand." Blaine reached across the table and put his hand on Kurt's.

Kurt shrugged. "I always fear telling people, but I'm getting used to it. It's become engrained in who I am. If they can't accept it, then it's not my problem, it's theirs- because this is who I am."

Blaine smiled at Kurt's confidence.

"I would, however, enjoy a walk, seeing as this spring day is so gorgeous." Kurt stood up and Blaine followed him to the door.

The two boys walked out of the parking lot in silence and to the park next door. Their shoulders brushed and their arms swung into each other in a manor that had become familiar to the pair.

" _It was November. The first lasting snowfall of the season had fallen the week before. School was worse than ever. I spent every day longing to be in my room, cutting myself again. It was the only thing that I could seriously think about. I began bringing razors to school to keep myself off edge. One day, Tina approached me asking about the cutting, but I yelled at her and she shut up."_ Kurt looked down at his wrists, the binding white bandages peeking out from his jacket sleeve cuffs, feeling slightly guilty for bringing Tina down because he felt down.

 _One day, I was cornered in the bathroom and told to remove all my clothes or they would kill me. I was in my underwear when they ran and took my clothes. This was after being tossed in the dumpster in the morning, slammed into a locker twice at passing period, and slushied at lunchtime, mind you. I went home from school and slammed the bathroom door, forgetting to lock it like I usually did. I went to cut myself, but I cut deeper than I had before. In that moment, I wanted to die. But then, I realized what I had done. It was partially an accident, but not entirely. I don't know how long it was until Finn came home early and found me. He called 911 and I was raced to the emergency room, where I spent three days unconscious and healing. Then, one night while I was sleeping, they sent me up to the children's psychiatric ward. I awoke to screaming and moaning in nearby rooms. I spent the next four days painting and drawing and revealing my innermost thoughts to total strangers. I worked for rewards such as hot showers. The food was almost inedible, and I ate only enough to get the rewards points. Never in my life have I felt so innocent in comparison to people or like such a child. On the fourth day, a man and a woman came and took me to Green Meadows._ " Kurt paused. "Is that what you wanted to know?" the chestnut- haired boy turned towards his friend.

"Yes." Blaine was shocked. "Thank you for sharing."

Kurt nodded and turned his head to watch the children climbing the jungle gym, playing in the sand, and swinging on the swing.

Kurt signaled to a little girl playing imaginary tea party with her father. "I wish that life were still that simple," The chestnut haired boy said, remembering when he and his father used to have tea parties, when he was young enough not to be judged for being a boy and doing so.

The raven-haired boy turned towards the father and daughter and nodded, "I know," he agreed.

And with that, the two boys walked back to the car and drove back to Green Meadows.


	11. Left Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not represent TWLOHA or their views. I tried my best to represent what I know them as, though. I can only hope that this chapter mildly does this subject or anything else justice.

_Monday_  afternoon, Kurt picked up the phone with the intent to call Mercedes Jones, but the phone felt like deadweight in his hands, his arms shook violently, and he was nauseated at the thought of calling someone to reveal his current self.

Monday night Kurt boy laid on his back in bed and starred at the ceiling for several hours, lost in his own thoughts.

In the distance, he could hear a scream and see the blue emergency lights flash in the hallway.

He rolled over onto his stomach with a deep sigh and wished that he could simply fall asleep. His eyes felt heavy and his throat felt dry, but every time his body began to feel like it was floating on a cloud, he jolted himself awake.

He briefly wished that the sleeping pills worked as well as the bottle claimed they did, but the boy brushed off the thought, because it was hardly a new one.

He wondered if finding the words to say to Mercedes would allow him to fall asleep. Finding no other option, rolled out of bed, as he suddenly felt wide awake, and went into the bottom drawer of his dresser. He pulled out a notebook and fine-tipped marker and sat down against the wall, not turning on a light because he didn't want to alert and any of the night nursing staff of his late night.

He sat on the edge of his bed and wrote with his exquisite handwriting:

 _Dear Mercedes_   _and Tina,_

_You've probably been wondering where I went._

Kurt ripped the sheet out of his notebook and started a new letter/

_Dear Mercedes,_

_Years of bullying added depression finally got to me, and last November I attempted suicide for the first time. In an instant, I became a survivor and was taken Lima Genera Hospital, where l was in urgent care for three days. Later, I was moved to a psychiatric hospital where I am currently in treatment for a variety of different reasons._

_I am sorry that I did not contact you sooner. I wanted to, but I would not be able to deal with your response if it was not was I wanted to hear in the moment that I heard it, before now. I am not sure that I am prepared to respond- but if I don't tell you now, I don't think that I ever will. This is entirely my fault and I will try my hardest to accept your response if you are not able to forgive me, but I hope that you will._

_Last weekend, I left the facility for the day with a new friend and ran into Rachel and I told her what happened. I asked her not to talk to you about anything, because I wanted to tell you myself. Please do not blame Rachel._

_Also, please do not discuss this information with anyone else (besides for Rachel and the McKinley High School faculty, who already know). This is something that I need to deal with on my own and without gossip, drama, and judging eyes._

_I would really like to talk to you._

_RSVP, or don't, but if you do, please respond with your phone number, so I can call you (I can make calls out, but not receive them here)._

_Sincerely,  
Kurt_

The next morning, Kurt met with Dr. Jackie.

"Please don't read this letter." Kurt said as he bit his lip, "It would be awkward if you did."

"I'm sorry Kurt, but Green Meadows procedure says that I have to," Dr. Jackie replied. "If there's anything in there that will lead us to suspect something, then we need to see it. There could be something about running away or talks of more suicide attempts. I know that you're a Level One, but  _we_ can't risk it."

Kurt hated the "we" statement- it made it sound like he had some sort of control, when he felt like he had none.

The teen winced, but his will to send the letter was greater than his anxiety.

"In the past, there have been talks of giving away prized possessions, happiness after long bouts of sadness, telling someone their plans to attempt suicide, telling an important person goodbye, and general tones of how a person is doing emotionally. You know that these are signs that someone might be contemplating suicide," Dr. Jackie paused. "Also, there could be talks of meeting up with someone, messages to previous drug dealers, bad influences, people patients should not be talking to, etcetera. I know that these probably do not apply to you at this point, but I cannot ignore the potential that there might be."

Kurt bit his lip again, but nodded anyway.

"What made you write a letter to you friend?" Dr. Jackie asked, changing her tone.

"Mercedes," Kurt offered his Glee club mate's name.

"What was going on inside your head when you wrote this letter to Mercedes?"

"I couldn't sleep again last night," Kurt admitted. "It's not like that too much, anymore, I promise." The boy added quickly before the doctor could suggest a change of medicine regiment.

"I ran into Rachel, from Glee Club at the Lima Bean and I told her some things. I don't want to put pressure on her to keep my secret of being here. And I've been talking with Blaine. That's been helping a lot…" Kurt began to talk, while Dr. Jackie listened, asked questions, and took detailed notes.

After her session with Kurt was over, Dr. Jackie looked over the letter from Kurt to Mercedes.

 _Tuesday_ , Kurt regretted sending the letter. How could be so stupid? How could he tell someone everything about what had happened to him? How did he know that Mercedes wasn't going to tell everyone? How did he know that Mercedes wasn't going to open her big mouth?

Kurt didn't know. And he squirmed with anxiety due to the uncomforting thoughts.

 _Wednesday_ , Kurt thought about the letter, but he had a long homework session in the morning and an art therapy session in the afternoon.

Lilly slid into a plastic chair next to him.

"Hey Kurt," Lilly said.

"Hey Lilly," Kurt looked up from the paper tablecloth and markers scattered about it, "I haven't seen you in a few days."

"Yeah, I've been in intense therapy with my parents and therapists deciding what to do after I leave here."

"I hate having that conversation."

Lilly sighed dramatically. "Tell me about it."

"So what's the top contender?"

"A group home for 'girls like me' in West Virginia." Lilly made quotation marks with her fingers.

"That's not even the bad part. It's like, I don't have any say in it."

"It's like we screw up once and we're stripped of all our rights, locked up like children at a day care, where we live by a specific schedule, have no choice in what we're fed, and we're just waiting for our parents to come and pick us up when they're done with the job and other family that they like more than us."

"Exactly!" Lilly agreed. "I'm not a child. I have Bi-Polar Disorder."

"The two are  _not_  synonymous for each other." Kurt agreed, as a knobby brunette woman with hair that was in dire need of a hair salon, bottle-cap glasses, a mismatched skirt, and knitted sweater walked into the room.

"Good evening everyone! I hope you brought your creative thinking caps, because today we are sculpting with clay!" The woman announced as she set down a large block of clay.

 _Thursday_ , Kurt called Blaine.

"Hi Blaine, it's Kurt."

"Hey Kurt."

"How are you?" Kurt asked.

"Not bad. Relieved that this midterm is done with and that next week is spring break. I need it."

"I bet." Kurt agreed.

"So are we still on for Saturday?" Blaine asked. "We can go to the bookstore that I was telling you about."

"Absolutely." Kurt confirmed, his chest actually aching that the thought of seeing Blaine and being able to breath fresh air again. He hadn't felt an ache to be out of here before. Maybe, it was because he hadn't realized what he was missing.

The conversation fell into a calm sense of familiarity, as the two teens lost track of time.

 _Friday_ , Kurt was eating lunch in the cafeteria, when a nurse in salmon scrubs came up to him.

"Kurt Hummel?" the nurse asked.

Kurt turned around. "Yes?"

"You have a letter," she handed the boy an opened purple envelope addressed to him in glowing, lime green jelly roll pen in Mercedes' big, bold, all-caps handwriting.

Kurt set down the plastic utensil in his hand carefully pulled the letter out of the envelope. Slowly, he pulled out the letter and took a deep breath before opening it.

The letter read:

_Hey Boo,_

_I get that bullying was really bad, but I wish that you HAVE talked to us. We could have helped you. I know that we don't really talk about the bullying much, but that's because it hurts to think too much about, but obviously we SHOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT OUR FEELINGS MORE (AND SHOULD IN THE FUTURE)._

_I know that New Directions was always hypothetically a good place to confront everything, but we were never as open as we said we were or wanted to be. We said that we were a place to be who you were, but we judged all of the time. We all judged._

_With your permission, I would like to talk to Tina about this. I think that she would have some helpful INSIGHT. Would that be okay?_

_Love and hugs,  
Mercedes_

Kurt finished his food at a speed that would put Finn to shame and dashed to his room.

_Mercy,_

_Please do not talk to Tina yourself. Like you and Rachel, I wish to tell her what happened myself._

_When I tell her and if she responds reasonably, I will try and listen to her incite._

_How have you been? How is McKinley?_

_Hugs,  
Kurt_

Kurt put the letter in an envelope and dashed to Dr. Jackie's office with hope that she had not left for the day. He wanted to get it to Mercedes as soon as possible.

Despite the yells of the hospital staff to slow down, the boy had succeeded- the doctor was just walking out of her office for the day, briefcase in hand.

"Another letter?" Dr. Jackie peered over the brim of her glasses.

Kurt nodded. "Yes."

The doctor's faint smile made the boy smile faintly too.

"That's good. I'll be out tomorrow, but how about you research and think about alternative ideas for when you leave Green Meadows and we'll talk about it on Sunday. Then, when your dad comes in next Tuesday, we can discuss options together."

Kurt nodded again. "Have a good weekend, Dr. Jackie."

"You too, Kurt. Remember to be patient when explaining your circumstances and not running at the first sign of trouble- some people need to warm up to these ideas, they need to know the situation to understand it."

Kurt looked down at his shoes, then back up at the doctor, "Thanks," he offered the doctor a smile as she turned and walked out.

 _Saturday_  morning, Kurt found himself on The Dalton Academy's website on the patient computer, boxed beneath layers of protection and under the careful watch of a guard. It felt weird, using a keyboard again, but it was like riding a bike, and he picked it up quickly. He avoided email, but it was inevitable that he would think about it, being on a computer.

Glancing at the time in the top, right corner, the teen closed the Internet and dashed to the front lobby, where his friend was waiting for him.

"Hey Kurt!" Blaine smiled.

"Hey Blaine," Kurt smiled back.

Blaine held his arm out and signaled to the desk in front of him to Kurt, who signed out and was handed the standard patient's phone.

The two boys made their way to the front lobby and checked out, before getting in Blaine's car.

"So you know that I have been studying like crazy this week- what have you been doing?" Blaine glanced over at Kurt with a grimace and then goofy grin and quickly glanced back at the road.

"I wrote to my friend Mercedes, back at McKinley this week." Kurt confessed. "I explained to her what happened and asked for her forgiveness. She wrote back." Kurt said

"That must have meant something," Blaine replied, the words sinking in upon realization that a response must have meant something to Kurt.

"I know." Kurt agreed.

"Anything else?" Blaine asked, as he turned down a road that looked familiar, but Kurt could not quite place. Blaine turned into a crumbling driveway with a dark, polished, wood building with new windows and yellow lamps and bookshelves visible from the front window.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to go when I finally leave. And I have no fucking clue." Kurt said, even though in the back of his mind, he might have.

"Kurt, I hope that I don't sound too forward, but have you looked at Dalton? I know that it has a hefty price tag for most families, but Dalton prides itself on having the best financial aid packages in the state. I really think that you should check out the website and maybe take a tour."

Kurt took in the words, but decided to step out of the car and up to the bookstore door, so that he would not have to respond.

"Where are we?" Kurt blinked and pulled the door that said 'push' before grumbling and pushing the door open.

Blaine followed the chestnut- haired boy in.

"Just outside Columbus." Blaine replied.

Kurt's eyes widened, "We drove that far?" he asked.

Blaine nodded. "We're pretty close to Westerville, which is why I know of this place. And as it turns out, we're not that far from Green Meadows, either."

Kurt nodded.

"This place is awesome." Blaine looked around, like he knew the place and was contemplating where to look first. They have an amazing coffee bar in the back and the best selection of used books in Ohio."

"It looks amazing, but you're biased." Kurt teased.

Blaine shrugged with a goofy smile. "So what if I am?"

Kurt looked around and spotted a copy of a book that he had wanted to read. Then, he spotted another book. And another.

Blaine smiled at his excited friend. "How about we each look around and meet at the coffee bar in a half hour for drinks?"

"Sounds good." Kurt mumbled as a side-thought and wandered around a towering shelf of books.

Kurt looked up. The two story entrance walls were lined with built-in bookshelves lined with old books. There were old tables and desks with featured books. Above, there was a railing on the half-second floor of the building with giant, green leather chairs and a children's story area.

Kurt spotted painted wooden signs handing from the ceiling and hanging in appropriate places, labeling the different areas.

Kurt spotted 'Gay Literature' and curiously made his was over. He didn't consider himself an expert in the subject, but he had read a couple of books. Mostly, he didn't touch them. He didn't know if he could handle someone finding them and having more ways to judge- he felt like a coward.

Crouching down, looking at titles, and gliding her finder along the books, an Asian girl with a blue screak in her hair, and Kurt did a double take before gasping the girl's name. "Tina?"

The girl turned her head around and blinked. "Kurt?"

"Yes, hi."

"You're- oh wow- you're here! You're alive! You're- um-" The girl stood up and wrapped her arms around the lean boy. The boy shrugged at first, but then became comfortable and hugged the girl back.

"I am."

"What're you doing here?"

"Look at books, obviously. What about you?"

"Lima doesn't have this kind of selection. Seriously, Lima had a ban on like 50 of the must read 'Gay Literature' books. I mean, I don't think that I'm full-on Bi, but I'm definitely questioning and I want to know about this culture and these people and their history. It's almost like my history, you know? And don't get me started on the classics and manga that they've ban." The girl sighed. "I order online a lot, but nothing can replace a good bookstore."

"That's Lima and I agree." Kurt sighed.

"I know." Tina agreed. "So narrow- minded."

Kurt nodded. "You're telling me."

"Find anything good?" Tina asked curiously.

"Tons! I don't even know where to start! Besides, I have six months worth of un-touched allowances." Kurt cupped his mouth.

"Kurt, you don't have to answer me, but I am curious about where you have been- everyone is. For being gone and so frequently rejected, you sure know how to be the center of gossip. I mean, it's faded, but you left a gap in- I can't say in everyone in Lima- but for Mercedes, Rachel, Finn, Carol, your dad, and me."

Kurt took a deep breath and prepared to tell the story that he had told. With a swallow, he told his story.

The Asian girl watched the boy with great intensity and listened to the story without saying a word. Upon finishing the story, there was a moment of silence before the girl spoke.

"I used to cut myself." The girl said quietly and in to the air.

The boy's eyes widened. The confession or the girl it was coming from didn't shock him, but rather that someone at McKinley could even marginally understand where he was coming from or what happened to him. Maybe, he decided, it was based off who the girl usually hung out with at school.

The boy did not respond immediately. Instead, he took a few moments to assemble his words. He couldn't bring himself to find the words that he wanted to say. Instead, he asked. "How long ago did you stop?"

"Five months ago." The girl looked down at her shoes, then up into the eyes of the boy, as if remembering to make eye contact when talking about something serious. "You can ask about it, if you want."

"How did you stop cutting?"

"I- I kept having breakdowns in the girls bathroom. After many missed classes, news of them made their way to Ms. Pillsbury via Quinn and the gossip chain. Ms. Pillsbury recommended that I start seeing my psychologist again, whom I stopped seeing after I stopped stuttering and joined Glee club, but then he sent me to the psychiatrist and started me on anti-depressants. A few months ago, one of my online _ShowChoir!_  Fan fiction friends talked about this organization  _To Write Love On Her Arms_  or TWLOHA on her Tumblr. I don't know how to describe the organization, but they say that help exists and hope is possible even in the dark- they have bands and young adults who support them- you should really go on to their website and read their vision and story."

( **A/N:**  If you have not read or are not familiar with the TWLOHA 'vision statement' or 'story', please take the time read them! Links are on my profile.)

Kurt nodded and another moment of silence fell upon the two teens.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"There's this guy in a Dalton Academy sweatshirt who keeps looking over here at us. I don't know what to think."

"Oh." Kurt blushed. "That's Blaine, my friend, who I came here with."

"He's cute." Tina smiled, but not in the 'I want him way', but in the 'if he has a good personality, you should date him' way.

Kurt looked down into his friend's eyes. "I want to."

"Then what's keeping you from making a move?"

"We're getting there!" Kurt protested with a playful smile.

"Kurt? I don't want to keep you from Blaine, but can you promise me something?" Tina shifted nervously.

Kurt didn't want to make a promise that he couldn't keep, but he found himself saying that he would anyways, "Sure."

"I can't lose another person to suicide. I know that asking you to keep a promise probably is pointless and that mental illness is serious and can control even the strongest people, but please know that you are an amazing boy, and even though I'm sometimes just a shallow teenage girl, I do want the to help my friends when they're hurting- and Mercedes and Rachel do to, okay?"

Kurt nodded and leaned in to give Tina a tight hug.

"Also know that more people are affected by mental illness than you think- one and four people are- and deny it all you want, but people at McKinley high school are too. This is a human condition- not a gay one- but bullying because you are gay might be an external factor- 'you are meant to love and be loved', Boo."

"Thank you," He murmured into his friend's melon scented hair.

"No problem." Tina hugged Kurt back, before releasing him. "See you later Kurt," she turned around and wandered out of the bookstore.

Blaine approached Kurt.

"Was that a McKinley girl?" Blaine asked.

Kurt nodded. "Tina," he supplied her name.

Blaine nodded. "Ready to get coffee?"

"G-d, yes." Kurt agreed, at the two friends hurried to the café section of the bookstore.

"I'll order for you, if you want to go get us a table."

Kurt raised an eyebrow; secretly giddy that Blaine already knew his order. "Okay."

Kurt claimed a table in the corner and looked around the café, at the menu on the wall, and the covers of various books signed by authors who had visited the bookstore hanging on walls.

Blaine made his way over with two coffee mugs and set one down in front of Kurt, before dashing back and returning with a small plate with a large, buttery croissant cut in half on it.

"Try some." Blaine nodded to Kurt, who hesitantly picked up a piece.

"I've always wanted to go to France." Kurt admitted as he took another bite, "Call me a romantic, but the thought of dinner in France makes me swoon."

"France is beautiful, especially the countryside." Blaine agreed.

"Hey," Kurt said into thin-air, "Your phone has internet, right?"

"Yes." Blaine confirmed.

"Can I borrow it?"

"Sure," Blaine pulled his Blackberry from his back pocket and typed in the passcode before handing it to Kurt.

"Tina told me to check out this website called 'To Write Love On Her Arms', an organization that supports depression, addiction, healing through merchandise, music, etcetera. She said to read the 'vision' and 'story', as well as look around the website."

"Do you mind if I read it with you?" Blaine asked.

"Not at all." Blaine moved his chair next to Kurt's chair, their elbows bumping, and their cheeks turning fuchsia as they moved and settled in.

Together, the two boys read the stories, slowly but steadily, and took everything in.

" _You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story_." Blaine whispered the concluding line to Kurt.

A single tear streamed down Kurt's cheek. Blaine took his thumb and whipped it away.

"Give me your wrist," Blaine said as he reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a navy blue Sharpie.

"W-what?" Kurt asked.

"Can I please have your wrist?"

Kurt considered Blaine's request for a moment, before complying and gently setting his wrist on the table.

Blaine carefully rolled up Kurt's shirtsleeve up to his elbow and then carefully pushed the gauze up a couple of inches.

Kurt winced, not from pain, but from what Blaine's reactions might be to his scars.

Blaine did not see the scars covered by the bandages, but he did see two thick, bumpy scars across Kurt's wrist. They were still dark and had not healed. Doing the mental math of the timeline in his head, Blaine realized that the cuts must have been deep, because they were still not healed all the way. Even though blood was absent, Blaine could imagine it.

"After the second suicide attempt in the hospital, my wrists got infected and the infection kept coming back, which is why they look the way that they do." Kurt admitted.

Blaine pulled the cap off the sharpie and stuck it on the other end, before carefully picking up Kurt's wrist and in large, upper case cursive wrote 'LOVE' on Kurt's arm.


	12. Ice Cream Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm using GleeVerse geography in this fic.

_Chapter 12: Chocolate Ice Cream Confessions_

On Sunday, the 'LOVE' that was written on his wrist had been wiped off with rubbing alcohol when a nurse came to clean his wounds and change the gauze that covered them.

It bugged Kurt a lot more than he had expected it to. If it had been done before his breakdown, he would have been sentimental about it and violently protested its removal. Kurt contemplated re-writing it with a washable marker, but he knew that it would just smear and rub off on everything that he touched.

On Monday afternoon, Blaine came to visit again. The two boys sat on Kurt's bed as Kurt expressed his thoughts to Blaine who listened with empathy. They talked until Kurt glanced at the clock high on the wall and saw that it was time for his afternoon session with Dr. Jackie.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked suddenly, nervousness obvious in his voice.

"Hm?"

"I've been thinking about inviting Tina, Mercedes and Rachel to come here and visit. I want to talk to them more and I'm just not sure how." Kurt confessed.

"I think that you just need to know that they are aware of your current situation and that you want to let them in further and that you think this next step is coming to visit you or hanging out together somewhere else if they're no comfortable doing that yet."

"I don't want to scare them," Kurt looked down at his feet, "and I know that Green Meadows can be an uncomfortable place to be, but I really want them to see where I've been."

"I think that you should ask them if they're okay with it. But something tells me that they probably will come to Green Meadows, if they want to help you as much as it seems that they do."

Kurt was glad that Blaine didn't use the words "If they really are you're friends"- he thought that the phrase was oversimplified and rather trite.

"Thanks." Kurt looked up at Blaine and his gaze caught with Blaine's. What felt like minutes later, Kurt averted his eyes and Blaine begrudgingly did the same. "Hey, so I have therapy with Dr. Jackie right now. It's a half an hour if you want to wait, but if not, I totally understand."

"I'll wait."

"Thanks. You can wait in the lobby area- that's where unattended guests are supposed to be, I think."

"Okay," Blaine agreed, "See you soon."

Kurt wandered into Dr. Jackie's office, where the woman waved at him through the window, but signaled with her fingers that she needed another minute. Setting the phone down, she waved her hand again, this time signaling for the teen to come in.

"Hey Kurt," Dr. Jackie offered a small smile. "How are you?"

"Good!" Kurt smiled back, just as shocked the enthusiastic words as the doctor. "Blaine is visiting."

Dr. Jackie nodded. "That's good. Have you boys talked about anything noteworthy?"

"Not really…" Kurt trailed off. "Dr. Jackie?" the boy looked at the older woman with nervous, wide eyes.

"Yes?"

"I have an idea. It would never work out and it's the most sporadic thing I've ever thought about doing, but, um, I want to tell you, because you asked me what and where I thought about going after I leave Green Meadows."

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "Continue." she encouraged the patient.

"I think… I want to transfer to Dalton Academy."

"Where Blaine goes?"

"Yes. First and foremost, they have an anti-bullying policy that is heavily enforced. Second, they have one of the best academic curriculums in Ohio, which is good because I'm already taking a full load of AP classes. My academic standing and dad's income mean that I'd probably be eligible for scholarships. Thirdly, they have a Glee club. Fourth, it's far enough from Lima that I'd never have to go back if I didn't want to, but close enough that I could and commute I had to (1). Lastly, I already know Blaine, which would mean that I'd have at least one friend there."

"It seems like you've thought about this a lot, Kurt."

The boy nodded. "I have."

"That's really good- I'm proud that you have started contemplating about this inevitable question. Now, I have another one, and it will be easier to take the wrong way, but I have to ask it- okay?"

"Okay…?"

"Are you transferring for a boy?"

"No! I mean, it's a plus, but it's not the reason, and I see Dalton as a landmark. It's not like I have anywhere else to go and I seriously went looking at it because I wanted to see where Blaine comes from. I've been working on this understanding other people thing lately."

"Okay then. Next meeting we'll conference call your father and talk to him about this decision. If he gives his consent, then you may apply. From there, we can take a look at level checklists and release paperwork, if all goes well."

"I'm really close to getting out of here, aren't I?" Kurt asked, the reality finally sinking in.

"By our measurements, you've been ready for weeks. We let you stay, because we saw that something still needed to 'click' and we were hoping that it would."

"Hope is a funny thing."

"It sure it." The doctor paused, new light in her eyes. "Now, go find your friend."

"Thanks. See you later, Dr. Jackie."

"You too," the woman opened her laptop back up as the teenager departed.

Kurt rushed to the front lobby hoping to find Blaine as quickly as possible.

Glancing around, he panicked when he couldn't spot Blaine

"Are you looking for your friend?" A nurse asked a nurse with a thick, New York accent.

The chestnut haired boy nodded.

"He's over there." The nurse pointed to the music room.

Kurt walked towards the room and looked inside.

It took a moment, but he spotted gelled-back raven hair instructing someone on how to play guitar.

Quietly as possible, Kurt opened the door and Blaine looked up right after he did and smiled at Kurt and Kurt smiled back.

Blaine bit the person he was instructing goodbye and walked over to Kurt.

"Hey." Blaine smiled.

"Hi!" Kurt responded, as he walked out of the room.

"Do you want to get some ice cream?" The chestnut haired boy asked. "There's something I want to bring up with you."

"Sure?" Blaine asked, a confused expression all over his face.

"Don't worry- it's not anything bad- I think."

Kurt walked to the cafeteria, then knocked on the door to the kitchen with a  _knock-knock knock- knock knock_  pattern and momentarily a brawly man in a white chef's uniform answered.

"Hey Kurt!" The man grinned.

"Hi Rick. I was wondering if I could please have a couple of cups of chocolate ice cream?"

"Sure!" the man closed the door and disappeared.

Kurt turned towards Blaine and in a quiet voice explained: "His brother recently came out to him and he asked me about advice on how he should respond and their family should handle it. They really want to be supportive of his brother, but none of them were exactly sure how to."

"That's awesome."

"I know." Kurt smiled softly, as Rick reappeared at the door with two white cups of Perry's chocolate ice cream.

Kurt led Blaine to a corner of the empty cafeteria, sat down and handed Blaine one of the cups.

Blaine sat down. "Okay, shoo." he said.

"I looked up Dalton Academy on the internet…" Kurt began and lunged into what he had told Dr. Jackie. " _If_  you are okay with it, I would like to apply there."

"Of course I'm okay with it." Blaine smiled and took another bite of his ice cream, which smudged on his cheek.

Kurt laughed light- heartedly and leaned toward and wiped off the smudge with his thumb.

It was then that Blaine realized how close their lips were- so he leaned forward and closed the gap between them. The tender kiss ended and boy boys tried to regain their composure, but found it nearly impossible. The goofy expressions on their face said it all- the kiss was no less than perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a lot of time in nursing homes when I was a kid, as my mom cared for sick and dying relatives. One day, I was sent to get something and a nurse showed me where they kept the cups of cream in the staff kitchen, so I could get some whenever I wanted.


	13. Release Papers

_Chapter 13: Release Papers_

"Kurt!" A blonde blur ran into Kurt's room and quickly glommed him before any of the Green Meadows staff saw her hug him.

"Hi Lily," Kurt hugged the girl back as his voice cracked in what might have been considered a crack.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me that your release forms went through earlier!"

"I found out ten minutes ago, Lil."

"So your party is this evening?"

"Yes. My Dad, step-brother, step- mom, and a few people from back-home are coming."

"Wow." The news, struck Lily more than she expected it to. "When do you move out?"

"Friday."

"That's tomorrow."

"I know."

"Are you freaked out? Because I'm freaked out and I'm not released until next week."

"Beyond freaked out, Lily. I'm so anxious I had to take a Lorazepam this morning and I'll probably have to take another one tomorrow morning. Dr. Jackie says I might have Agoraphobia and that it's probably going to be tough for me once I'm home, especially considering my lack of willingness to leave here."

Lily looked left, then right, and pulled Kurt in for another hug.

"I know it's hard. I have psych ward fever myself, but that doesn't mean it's that way for you. Seriously, I think that you need to talk to Blaine about this. He'll get you through."

"I know- I just don't want him to think that I'm using him."

"He doesn't seem like that type," Lily reassured her friend. "Besides, there will come a time when he needs you. Maybe not on the Green Meadows level but he will."

"You're probably right."

"I know I am. And don't forget to call and tell me how you're coping in the outside world."

"Ditto." Kurt replied emphatically, as a few classmates walked into the classroom.

"I can't believe this is my last classroom session." The boy confessed. "And my last session with Dr. Jackie as an in-patient, too."

"Have you found a psychiatrist to work with at home?" Lily asked.

The boy nodded. "We found one last week. Dr. Jackie warned me that you sometimes have to go to a few before finding one that works well. She says that it's really important to have one because I'm still considered 'high risk', so I need someone that I can continue to recover with. I'm going to start out going three times a week and hopefully we'll be able to reduce it to once a week in time."

"We're working on finding me a psychiatrist at home this afternoon. But what if they think I'm too crazy- or not crazy enough for treatment? Or what if they lower my doses and I can't function? Or get in another fight with my mom? Or my mom fires them? I—"

"You'll cope. Somehow." Kurt reassured his friend, as some other students entered the classroom.

At the end of lesson time, Kurt made his way to Dr. Jackie's office and paused at the chair by the door to listen to the familiar whirring of the soundproofing fans, the rustle of papers and emotions leaking from other areas of the floor.

"Come in, Kurt!" Dr. Jackie opened the door, which caused Kurt to turn his head, but not jump, because he was still slightly sedated by the Lorazepam.

"How are you today?"

"Drowsy," Kurt confessed.

"Medicine is more of an art than a science." The doctor frowned.

"Says the doctor." Kurt raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, hush." Dr. Jackie teased with a smile.

Kurt picked the chair instead of the couch for his final appointment with the doctor. He tried to sit up straight and crossed one leg over the other.

"A congratulations for your release paperwork going through this morning."

"Thank you."

"Your dad, step-mom, step-brother, Blaine and a couple of other friends are coming tonight, right?"

Kurt nodded. "Everyone except Blaine, who can't come because it's a school night and his parents won't let him out, but I will see him this weekend."

"You're going to be finishing up this school year via independent study as you await news from Dalton about next year?"

Kurt nodded again.

"Can you tell me what you want to work on?" Dr. Jackie asked.

The chestnut- haired boy shrugged, then looked away.

"I'd like to apologize to Finn and Carol. I'd also like to be able to carry on a conversation that has nothing to do with my 'breakdown' or sexual orientation."

"Those sound like good things… Do you think that you've progressed, Kurt?"

Kurt shrugged. "I think so. I still have a lot to work, though. I know that I have a chronic illness, but I've woken up every day this past week and thought of the fall- and the future- so that's looking forward and therefore progress."

Dr. Jackie smiled at the boy, who smiled tensely back. "I think that you have progressed tremendously in your self- awareness and working through your ups and downs. You are one of the strongest young men that I have had the pleasure of meeting."

The woman stood up and walked towards Kurt, who stood up to shake her output hand.

Their hands dropped and the doctor reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a tiny cream-colored piece of paper.

"This is my business card. It has my contact information on it. Although I am not your primary psychiatrist anymore and I will still work in the background, I will talk with your new psychiatrist and meet up with you for follow-up appointments. Please send me an email and let me know how and what you're doing. Tell me about Dalton- tell me about your relationships with your father and Blaine- I'd really love to hear from you."

"I'll keep it safe." Kurt accepted the card, as an unusual warm feeling overwhelmed Kurt and he reached forward to hug his mentor.

Hot liquid burned in his eyes as he remembered the matronly hugs that his mother used to give him when she parked them in the living room to watch Julie Andrews movies when she got depressed or he had a bay day at school.

"I'll see you at the party." Dr. Jackie smiled.

"Bye, Dr. Jackie," Kurt waved before heading back to his room to continue to pack up his things.

As he walked, he felt the padding and springs beneath his feet.

The anxiety medicine was beginning to wear off and his mind swarmed with thoughts of the weekend, when he'd be cohabiting with his father and new family.

He feared how their interactions would go.

He dreaded the idea that he would have to go to the supermarket and run into Mr. Shuester or Ms. Pillsbury or Karofsky.

He shook because he didn't know if he could cope.

He wasn't sure if he wouldn't break down again.

But then he thought of Tina, Mercedes and Rachel.

Then, he thought of Blaine.

Maybe, he could work internally to externally.

Maybe, he could brave tomorrow.

Maybe.


	14. Departure

Kurt carefully folded the last of his sweaters, picked up the multi-colored pile and put it in the giant duffle bag on his bed.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

The chestnut haired boy turned around to see his father, with a thinner version of his own hair, standing at the door.

"Hey, kid." Burt looked at Kurt, who pretending to continue to pack his bag. "Can I come in?"

Kurt shrugged.

"How's your packing going?"

Kurt shrugged again.

"Well, your nurse is gonna come to tell me about your medicine and how to wrap your wrists."

"Okay." Kurt avoided eye contact with Burt.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Father and son looked up to see Nurse Marie with a cart.

"Hi Kurt," the woman smiled and then turned to his father. "Hi Mr. Hummel, I'm Kurt's nurse Marie Thomas. It's nice to meet you." she stuck out her hand and Burt shook it.

"Same." Burt nodded, as the nurse reached into her cart and pulled out four large bottles of orange pills.

"In the mornings Kurt takes 60 milligrams of Prozac, which are the green and white capsules and 15 milligrams of Abilify, which is the peach colored pill. Before bed, Kurt takes 10 milligrams of Ambien, which are the oval white pills, to help him sleep. He also has 1 milligram of Lorazepam, which are the round white pills for short- term relief when his anxiety is especially bad."

Burt nodded, but Kurt could tell that his father was overwhelmed with the information.

"I can write it down for you," Nurse Marie said.

"Thanks," Burt nodded. "My wife is a nurse and it would have made more sense to her, but she had work today."

"No problem." Nurse Marie reached to her cart and pulled out a gauze pad, roll of gauze, and a roll of medial tape.

"Do you two want to sit down on the bed and I can show you how to change Kurt's dressings, which I've been allowing him to do the past couple of days."

Burt and Kurt sat down on the bed and Nurse Marie pulled up a bedside metal tray and set down the materials on it.

Kurt held out his wrists and Nurse Marie tugged on the tape to release the binding. He slowly unrolled one and then set the wrap down. Nurse Marie helped him unroll his left binding.

As Nurse Marie unwound the rolled gauze, Burt took a moment to look at Kurt's wrists for the first time since he saw the blood in Kurt's bathroom and in the hospital.

"They look like they're… healing." Burt commented.

"Yeah." Kurt capped one hand over his wrist gently.

"A couple of stiches have popped from excessive wrist movement after he initially clawed out the first set of stiches, so I have antibiotic cream for him to apply twice a day. Then once they're healing, I recommend buying scar cream."

Kurt held out his wrist and helped Dr. Jackie wrap the other one.

When they were done, Nurse Marie stuck the tube in a paper bag with the pill bottles.

"Thank you," Burt nodded and stuck out his hand, which the nurse shook.

"See you at your party, Kurt," Nurse Marie walked out of the room and onto another patient.

Once Nurse Marie shut the door, Kurt glared at Burt.

"I can't believe that you would bring Carol to my appointment!" Kurt exclaimed.

"No Kurt, she worked today so that we could have together and not intrude on this time, which is important to you."

Kurt looked down. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, kid, I should have been more sensitive. Emotions aren't my strong point… but I'm trying."

"Speaking of which," Kurt looked at the clock, "It's time for our final family appointment with Dr. Jackie."

After the appointment, Burt and Kurt stood in front of Dr. Jackie's office.

"We should probably head to the lobby with your stuff to put in the car, then wait for Carol and Finn to arrive."

"Alright." Kurt nodded, as Burt followed Kurt to his room to pick up Kurt's bag since his wrist still weren't healed.

Kurt led Burt outside.

They stopped as Burt's car and popped the trunk open and tossed Kurt's bag in. Kurt took in the site of his father's car that he knew would take him (likely) permanently beyond the walls of Green Meadows.

"There's Carol and Finn," Burt pointed to Carol's car, which Kurt's giant step- brother ducked out of.

"Kurt!" Carol walked up to Kurt and rested a hand on his shoulder.

Kurt wasn't sure if he could deal with a hug.

"Hi." Finn stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Hi," Kurt looked down, suddenly very aware of the bandages on his wrists, which he could feel Finn staring at them, a horrified expression on his face.

Kurt was reminded of Finn's hysteric screams the day that he found him in the bathroom.

"Should we head in?" Carol asked, breaking the silence.

The family nodded as Kurt took the lead.

He check his father, step- mother and step- brother in at the front desk, then lead them into the elevator and up into the ward.

He checked them in at the front desk in his ward and then lead them into the cafeteria.

He stopped at the door, took a deep breath, and pushed the door handle down.

Inside, there were multicolored streamers on the wall and a printed out poster that sad "Congratulations Kurt!" in a cursive font.

Dr. Jackie stood in the center of the room, talking to one of the center staff. Nurse Marie talked with Nurse Jamie, while Lily was talking with Rick the kitchen guy.

"Kurt!" Lily called excitedly ran up to him and jumped into his arms as Rick slowly followed in his shadow.

"Dad, this is Lily and Rick," Kurt introduced Burt to his friends as Burt sized up Rick and shook Lily's hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Hummel," Lily smiled.

"There's cake!" Rick announced.

Burt grinned, while Kurt sent a warning glance to his dad that it wouldn't be good for his heart.

Burt shrugged. "My kids being release from the hospital tomorrow and isn't chocolate good for the heart?"

"A small piece." Kurt glared, this time light-heartedly.

"Why don't you go tell Finn," Burt suggested.

"Can't you?" the boy begged.

"You're telling him there's cake, kid. Instant kudos."

Kurt sighed dramatically. " _Fine_."

He spotted Finn across the room standing next to Carol, who was talking to Nurse Marie awkwardly.

"Hi Finn."

"Hi Kurt."

"What's up?"

"Missing March Madness." Finn glared.

"I'm trying to be nice to you and that's your response?"

"I'm the one who found you on the floor and you expect me to be nice to you? How could you be so fucking selfish?"

"Can we talk about this outside?"

"Fine."

Kurt strutted out the door and Finn followed him and slammed the door.

"I am not  _selfish_." Kurt said coldly. "I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my classmates and have a genetic predisposition to depression. I became suicidal to help deal with that pain."

"But you still did."

There was a beat.

"You weren't supposed to be home. You weren't supposed to find me."

"Then who was?"

"I didn't try to kill myself!" Kurt's voice cracked. "I cut too deep and I couldn't stop the bleeding. It was an accident. Even if I wanted to die, I didn't try to until I was here. It was still a suicide attempt, though." Kurt sighed. "I'm still sorry that you found me."

"Me too."

"I heard you went to therapy to deal with what you saw?"

"For people with family member who have mental illness.- because between you and my dad, it's been a lot to deal with God, Puckerman would never let me live down talking about feelings to someone if he found out."

"Fuck what Puck says. He doesn't know and he'll never understand unless he's taught how to respond to it and even that could be a long shot."

Finn shrugged.

"Rachel, Mercedes and Tina are here. I didn't know that they knew about you."

"I told them. Repairing relationships is something that I'm trying to do. It's something that I'm learning how to do in therapy. Along with confessing and apologizing for my actions."

For the first time, Kurt looked up into Finn's eyes.

"I really am sorry, Finn."

Finn's face relaxed and made an awkward expression. "Yeah, me too."


	15. The Real World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of people with mental illness, but this summer is the first time that I witnessed it's effects through adult eyes. My experiences definitely shows in this chapter.

Chapter 15: The Real World

Somewhere between the late night and early morning, Kurt tiptoed down the hall to shower, where he was met by the night guard, who listened for out of the ordinary noises from the next room.

It took a lot of concentration to keep himself from going into a panic attack about having a large person, capable of causing him harm, in the next room.

Afterwards, he took a walk around the ward, and stopped at places to dote on certain memories.

Then, he arrived back at his room, just as the navy blue sky turned to robin's egg blue.

At 8 AM, Nurse Marie came in with his final set of hospital pills, including a Lorazepam for emotional morning ahead. She checked under his tongue for hiding pills and bid him a final goodbye.

At 9, he packed his sleeping clothes and toiletries in his messenger bag and took it with him to the cafeteria, where he ate his final bite of bland and overcooked hospital eggs and toast.

At 9:30, he went to the front desk, took a seat, and waited for his father to take him away from the careful watch of doctors and nurses.

At 10, Burt stepped off the elevator, greeted his son, the nurse at the desk on duty, and the receptionist, who handed Burt and Kurt final documents to sign.

At 10:15, Kurt and Burt stepped onto the elevator, stepped off the elevator, walked through the lobby, and Kurt walked out of the hospital that he was no longer a patient in.

At 10:18, Kurt tossed his bag in the passenger seat of his father's pick-up truck, climbed in after his bag, as his father started the engine, as the two prepared for the ride back to Lima.

Somewhere between the buildings and the gate, Kurt drifted to sleep.

Kurt—

Kurt—

Wake up—

We're home—

The sound of his father's truck door opening and slamming shut forced him into consciousness.

Home?

The teen moaned and his sound betrayed him. He had to wake up.

"Come on, let's get you moved back in."

Burt opened the trunk and yanked out one of Kurt's suitcases.

"You should have had Finn do that- it's bad for your heart."

The elder grumbled before yanking out the younger's second suitcase.

"Carrying heavy things will pop your stitches."

"Yes, but I'll take one anyway."

"Nu-uh." the boy's father picked up the second suitcase in his other hand and walked towards the door, which his stepmother had opened. ". No way, kid."

"Hi, Kurt."

"Hi Carole."

The middle-aged woman wrapped her arms around teen and held on to him tight.

Finally, she released him and planted a kiss on his cheek.

Kurt wanted to pull away. He wanted to tell her not to touch him. He wanted to hide in his bedroom and not emerge until after dark to sneak out. He wanted to crawl under his covers and never wake up.

But the warm arms and sincere and brokenhearted expression on the woman's face caused him to want to hold the woman and sob. He didn't understand why, since he also held her accountable for taking his father away from him.

But Kurt retained his composure and followed his dad to the teen's bedroom.

Burt hoisted the two bags onto the bed, with a huff and then stopped to regain his breath.

"I've taken the locks off your bedroom and bathroom doors. I went through your clothes and removed things that looked hazardous- I know that's probably half of your stuff- but the doctor said it was for the better. If you—"

"Dinner in ten!"

"Alright!" Burt called up the stairs.

"If you need anything, Carole, Finn, and I are up the stairs. "Okay?"

"Yes."

"Well, we don't want to keep Carole waiting," Burt stood up.

"You mean Finn's stomach?" Kurt asked wryly.

Burt chuckled. "Yes."

The two nodded and then headed down the stairs.

Waiting too long in silence would be awkward for both Kurt and Burt, although Kurt realized it more consciously.

Carol was tossing the salad, while Finn poked at the casserole with a fork.

Carol set the salad bowl down and slapped her son's hand before he could take another bite of baked cheese off the top.

"It's good to see that you guys have been eating relatively healthy while I'm gone." Kurt noted the salad.

"Well, we gotta keep your dad healthy, don't we?" Carol retorted.

Kurt was glad that Carol didn't say that she had to pick up on Kurt's job while he had been in the hospital.

The four sat down at the small, round table, as Finn took the first helping (almost a forth of the pan), and set it down in front of him.

It took an over-dramatic cough from Kurt to hand pass the casserole around.

"How was training?" Carol asked, serving herself.

"Gmood." Finn said through chomping.

"Glee?" Burt asked.

"Gmood."

"How about you, Kurt?" Carole turned her attention towards her stepson.

Kurt shrugged.

"You're planning on finishing up the semester via independent study, correct?"

"Yes."

"Any thoughts about next year?"

"I-" Kurt paused, his face wrinkling. "May I be excused?"

"Okay." Burt nodded, as Kurt picked up his full plate and set it down on the counter next to the sink.

"Can I be excused?" Finn asked.

"No." Burt and Carole responded at the same time.

The chestnut haired boy made his way to the bedroom, where he curled up in a ball under his covers, as he felt a migraine coming on.

His stomach felt queasy and he was thankful that he left the garbage can next to his bed in case he felt sick.

He began to think about what Carole had asked him at dinner about next year.

He wondered why Dalton wasn't brought up- he bet it was because even if he did get in, there was no way that his father could find a way to fund it.

Besides, all of Blaine's friends knew about him and they would never stop looking at him any different than the McKinley people. He would go on into his career and have the reputation as the "depressed gay kid" and never get a job.

But to get a job, he'd need to get into college and how could he do that? How could he pay for it? How could he work? He definitely couldn't in his current state.

In the midst of his thoughts, he began to choke on his spit, which quickly became sobs.

He felt his pillow become damp and rolled off of his bed onto his carpet.

He heard someone burst through his door and soon felt a pair of large hands rubbing his back.

The two stayed like that for what felt like an hour, but was closer to ten minutes.

"What's wrong?" Burt asked eventually.

"I don't know- everything?"

"Does something hurt?"

"I don't know!"

"Okay," Burt continued to rub Kurt's back, even though he himself was shaking, still terrified and unsure what his son might do to himself. "Do you need to call Dr. Jackie or can you wait until you meet with your new doctor on Tuesday?"

"I don't know." Kurt whined, as Burt reached over to grab the box of Kleenex off Kurt's nightstand.

"Okay," Burt reached into pulled his cellphone out of his back pocket and dialed the number that he had called daily over the past six months.

The phone began to ring, when he handed it to Kurt.

He stood up and walked out of the room to allow his son to talk to his doctor in semi-privacy and met Carole outside the doorway.

"I don't know what to do, Carole!" The elder Hummel threw his hands up. "How do I know if I'm doing this right? What if he tries to kill himself again in the night and succeeds? God, I'm so scared."

"Shhhhh." Carol wrapped her arms around her husband.

"I know that it's hard to put your faith in doctors and medicine knowing that they might not work, but it's what we have right now. Kurt may have been defeated, but he's also a fighter. I can have Finn move the recliner from our room to the hallway if you want."

"No," Tears leaked onto Carole's shirt. "Kurt wouldn't like that. But I will check on him throughout the night and ask if his new doctor can move his appointment up."

"Sounds like a plan."

Burt saw Finn peak his head out from around the corner, obviously confused and concerned.

"I love you." He kissed his wife, and released her with a final squeeze to go talk to his other son.

Some nights he wished that he could come home, watch the game, eat some chips, eat dinner before turning in for the night.

He realized that most nights would not be that simple, called up to his first wife for strength, and moved on to find Finn.

It would be a long, emotionally taxing night.


	16. The Boys Who Saved Each Other

Her name was Dr. Madison Morgan.

Framed certificates of academic accomplishment lined the white walls of her small office.

The room made Kurt feel claustrophobic and made him squirm in his seat on the black leather couch.

Burt sat next to his son as the trio reviewed Kurt's medical and psychiatric history, as well as family history with the psychiatrist.

The teen stared longingly at the drapes as if he could see past the green treetops out the window.

" _Kurt_?"

" _Kurt_."

"Is there anything else that you'd like to add?"

"What?" The chestnut haired boy blinked.

"Is there anything else that you'd like to add?" The doctor repeated.

"No."

"Then would it be okay if your father stepped out of the room for the rest of the session and so that we can talk?"

Kurt shrugged.

"You can step into the waiting room, Mr. Hummel."

"Actually, I have to get to the shop. Kurt's brother is going to pick him up." Burt paused, as if to try and remember something, then added, "Is that okay?"

Kurt nodded and Burt left the room. The father closed the door behind him and noted the noise-distilling fans that lined the hallways as he exited.

"Now," The doctor shifted her right leg on top of her left leg and adjusted her notepad. "Tell me about Finn."

Kurt hesitated at first, but eventually answered the questions when prompted.

Finally, the therapy hour was over.

The teen left feeling nervous about he doctors unsaid thoughts about him. He wondered about her other patients and wondered if she could  _really_  help him.

Sighing, he stood at the glass door of the office to make sure that Finn could see him when he arrived.

Fifteen minutes later, Kurt grew antsy and continuously checked his phone for any missed communications.

Five minutes later, Finn drove up in Kurt's navigator.

Kurt hopped in the car and scowled at his stepbrother.

He was feeling particularly on-edge already after ranting about Finn for a good 15 minutes in therapy.

"You're late."

Finn raised his arms defensively.

"Put your hands on the wheel!"

Finn grasped his hands back on the wheel. "Sorry."

"Don't crash my baby."

"Sorry, bro… Wanna get some ice cream?"

Kurt glared.

"Oh, right, you don't eat that stuff."

Kurt shrugged.

"No, that actually sounds good."

The corners of Finn's mouth twitched upwards.

He began to drive. Eventually, he pulled up at Baskin Robins.

"Why do you hate me?" the football player asked into the silence.

"I hate everything. Burt's never understood me. Hell, he gave you my navigator. The students and teachers at McKinley are bigots. This entire town is homophobic. I hate this place. I hate myself. I hate my weight, I hate my face, I hate this medicine. I hate how much I hate myself. I don't see the point of being alive…"

Kurt trailed off when he saw that Finn was starring out the window.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to burden you with my problems."

"Don't be. It's good that you're talking about them."

"Yeah, so I fucking hate everything."

Kurt saw the way that his stepbrother's expression saddened.

"I don't hate you."

"Thanks… I guess."

The following week, Kurt went back to Doctor Morgan.

He slumped into his couch as she told him that he didn't have anything to worry about his sexuality since his father accepted him being gay. She said, "Being gay was the cause of all his depression."

The next week, Finn dropped Kurt off at his appointment, but Kurt took a walk to the nearest Starbucks instead.

There was no point in going, if his doctor would only insult him. Make him cry.

The following week, he did the same.

But he arrived to find Finn sitting in his car.

Wincing, Kurt realized that he had no option, but to confront his brother.

"What the hell, man! Why are you skipping your doctors appointment?" Finn screamed.

"It doesn't matter!" Kurt shouted back.

"Obviously it does! You're wasting money we don't have!"

"That's why I didn't tell you! Do you think that I don't feel guilty about it?"

"You're obviously not feeling guilty enough!" Finn shouted back.

"Have you met my doctor? She thinks that I have nothing to worry about since Burt accepts my sexuality. She acts like it's the root of all my problems."

"Then maybe you should tell Burt that you want to see another doctor." Finn shrugged.

"But what if he doesn't believe me? Besides, he has to pay an evaluation session fee and see if the doctor will take me on. He doesn't have the money to pay for the expensive ones who I really need to see, so it really depends if they'll accept the rates he can afford to pay."

"That's rough."

"Depression sucks."

"I can tell- wanna go get some ice cream?" Finn offered.

Kurt offered a weak smile. "Sure."

The following week, Kurt and Burt met with Esme Rodriguez- but she insisted on being called by her first name alone.

She was soft spoken, but knew when to ask a challenging question and when to listen. She knew when to recommend Kurt try to think about things he once loved and suggest he try them again, and when to change his dosages of medication.

Esme reminded Kurt a lot of Doctor Jackie- even though no one could top her.

Weeks of therapy turned into months, and finally the long days of summer rolled around.

For Kurt, that meant sticky days in Burt's boiling shop, long nights under the stars; lazy mornings where he couldn't get out bed; and days when all he could think about was how dark of a place the world could be.

One night, Kurt and Blaine took a long ride through the Ohio backgrounds in Blaine's blue mini Cooper, soft music playing on the radio in the background of the windy static blasting through the rolled-down windows.

Kurt had spent his morning session with Esme sobbing. He'd broken down the night before after several nights of insomnia and cut himself several times on the inside of his thigh, before calling Blaine, who had him call his doctors first thing in the morning and had him take a short-term anxiety pill.

Blaine reached his hand of the gear and set it on top of Kurt's hand, which was resting on his lap.

"We should go somewhere." Blaine said.

Kurt chuckled. "We kind of are."

"I mean somewhere far away."

"Like New York City?" Kurt asked.

"Sounds perfect... How do you feel about Pride?"

"I would love to go to Pride, but we can't just leave our families- and I don't think that I'm allowed that far without my dad or doctors. Not to mention, we'd have to ask for our parents permission."

"We'll ask first thing tomorrow, then." Blaine insisted. "And leave the day after."

"You're _outrageous_." Kurt swung Blaine's hand and leaned over to peck him on his warm cheek. "I want to kiss you on the lips."

Blaine pulled over to the side of the road, parked, and turned off his car.

"Well, then, Mr. Hummel, you're in luck." He leaned over to kiss Kurt on the lips, but missed and kissed his neck instead.

"The backseat is better for cuddling." Blaine suggested, as the two opened their doors and made their ways into the backseat of Blaine's car.

Kurt ran his hand through Blaine's hair, and kissed Blaine's nose, then lips. They sucked on each other's mouths until they were both tingly and swollen.

"How did I meet someone as caring as you?" Kurt asked, wishing he could see Blaine's amber colored eyes better in the dark.

"I'm wondering the same thing." Blaine grinned, as he snuggled into Kurt's shoulder.

The two rested, enjoying the cicadas and crickets chirping in the calm night.

"Thank you for saving me." Kurt kissed Blaine's ear,

"Thank you for being so strong." Blaine pressed a soft kiss in Kurt's hair and leaned over to rest his head in Kurt's lap.

"That's not something you can thank me for."

"Then I'll thank the music for bringing me to you." The curly haired teen picked up his lover's hand, entwined it in his, and brought it to his heart.

"I love it," Kurt leaned over and pressed a kiss onto Blaine's covered. He lifted their entwined hands into the air. "To the music, our love, and those damn psychiatric drugs."

" _Perfect_." Blaine agreed, as he fell asleep with the boy he saved, and the boy who saved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Closing Note:
> 
> My Story:
> 
> Mental illness is an issue that is very important to me. It has affected my life because many of my family members and closest friends struggle with it daily.
> 
> I struggle with mental illness, as well. I have ADHD (the learning disability), panic disorder, general anxiety, and some depression. Panic Disorder causes me to twitch and shake then physically cripples me and causes my head, hands, and legs to go numb and my body to feel freezing cold. I have to sit down against a wall for head support, I can't walk or stand, and it's usually accompanied by a migraine. They last from an hour to three or.
> 
> I have tried all first line ADHD meds, but they all had severe side effects. This past school year, I started on Lexapro for anxiety and Intuniv ADHD- and after 8 years, I finally have a combination that helps me with minimal side effects.
> 
> Methamphetamine (patch Ritalin called Daytrana) had me on the floor in hysterics, due to suicidal thoughts every time I took it. Others had me stoned (which sounds like fun, but it sucked major because I also grew up hearing about deaths of people on ADHD medication and thought I was going to die). Ampethamines caused severe anxiety and weight issues)
> 
> To help control everything, I have to take care of myself, which is hard considering that I am a college student 3,000 miles from home. I'm in the learning differences program, which is essential to passing. Also, I attend therapy every week. I didn't originally go to therapy at school, and hadn't since high school, but a particularly bad week had me referred to a counselor. I was more or less open to the idea since therapists and neurologists have been in and out of my life since the third grade (seriously I've seen so many mental health professions I've lost count).
> 
> The characters and location details from Green Meadows come from my imagination, but they have real- life influences. Many of my dearest friends growing up have been institutionalized. The things that I described in the story are based off things that they have told me. Also, most of my friends have mental and physical illnesses. It is a scary to be- the confidant for someone the best doctors in the world can't help and whose parents make things worse or just don't know what to do. It is terribly sad to watch a friend hurt and slip away. But helping a friend can be rewarding- more than getting into a college, winning a competition, or completing a major assignment.
> 
> There is a huge stigma about mental illness and mental health and it has impacted my life and your life weather you know it or not. There are organizations that support mental health awareness such as To Write Love On Her Arms () and Active Minds, which I strongly recommend looking up your local chapter of.
> 
> Again, thank you all for reading and responding to my story!
> 
> I will leave you with this quote:
> 
> "Although not everyone has mental illness, everyone has mental health." ~ Active Minds


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